In the style of Old Moore’s Almanack , Little Darwin’s grumpy 500 pound gorilla in the editorial room , below, makes wide-ranging predictions about the coming momentous year. If anyone scoffs at his prognostications he will come round and rip your bloody arms off-like Aunty Jack.
TERRITORY POLITICS : It will be the year of living dangerously for a number of politicians.***The sale of scones, lamingtons, and yiros will plummet when a current sitting MP decides not to butter fairy cakes and cut the mustard at the next election. *** Shane Warne , if not on an extended honeymoon, will receive an urgent call to help a person who is looking more like the Last of the Mohicans, his hair receding ,taking on the appearance of a bit player in Mad Max movie. *** A former beaming polly will appear in a Colgate ring of confidence advertisement and then undergo plastic surgery to remove his perpetual hail- fellow-well-met grin , which terrifies children and causes dogs to bark hysterically. *** Plovers continue attacks on re-rerouted minister and a police spokesman . *** The Chinese candidate, Kon Vatskalis , will offer to teach Kevin Rudd advanced Cantonese .
TERRITORY POLITICS : It will be the year of living dangerously for a number of politicians.***The sale of scones, lamingtons, and yiros will plummet when a current sitting MP decides not to butter fairy cakes and cut the mustard at the next election. *** Shane Warne , if not on an extended honeymoon, will receive an urgent call to help a person who is looking more like the Last of the Mohicans, his hair receding ,taking on the appearance of a bit player in Mad Max movie. *** A former beaming polly will appear in a Colgate ring of confidence advertisement and then undergo plastic surgery to remove his perpetual hail- fellow-well-met grin , which terrifies children and causes dogs to bark hysterically. *** Plovers continue attacks on re-rerouted minister and a police spokesman . *** The Chinese candidate, Kon Vatskalis , will offer to teach Kevin Rudd advanced Cantonese .
FEDERAL POLITICS : Italian fizzgig , Silvio Berlusconi, will invite female way past use by date to Roma for bonga bonga party on Mt Vesuvius , view matrimony and another jug-eared love child. *** National Party member abducted by aliens in bone dry Murray-Darling Basin for anal examination after failing to find any trace of grey matter .*** Prominent Liberal Party person will be given the bum's rush.
GASEOUS ANNOUNCEMENT: Inpex planned announcement of go ahead for $30 billion project , put off last year because it was amazingly stated and faithfully reported by the media without comment that it would get lost in the Territory Christmas festivities, will be further delayed because of post-Christmas shopping rush, Chinese New Year, the distraction of Sydney’s Gay Mardi Gras , Patagonian Pancake Day, Shrove Friday, NT Cracker Night ( 13 months long in 2012 due to world tilting on its axis ) , the Winter Solstice, Maundy Thursday to Sunday- extended due to increasing world poverty, several fairytale endings in sporting world premierships , the Moomba Festival,Japanese Sumo Wrestling Championships, Warren Capper’s latest hernia operation and the unexpected storming of the Bastille .
RACING: The ghost of Sir John Kerr will be evicted from nine corporate marquees during the Melbourne Cup piss up. *** Sensational allegations will be made when Timor pony wins Melbourne Cup.*** Stewards will investigate claims that horses are being genetically modified with Territory long neck turtles to win in photo finishes in desperate bid to stop those cheese-eating, surrender monkeys , the French , from ever winning again.
TOURISM : Smelly , free-loading backpackers overrun the Territory due to Lonely Planet recommending a visit to Darwin a must ; Drug Squad and OH&S will raid Lonely Planet editorial office where snip and paste production of so many guides exposes staff to dangerous glue vapours and hallucinations. *** OPRAH proudly boasts her visit to Uluru attracted a record number of blowfies. ***While Centralian tourist trade continues to dive , Austria overrun by Yank tourists, ignorant of geography , who mistakenly believe OPRAH did the Aussie Wave in that Germanic country. *** Austrian made boomerangs and leather stubbies selling like hot cakes, thanks to NT mix up . *** Big Game butterfly shooting safaris revive Batchelor economy.
TOURISM : Smelly , free-loading backpackers overrun the Territory due to Lonely Planet recommending a visit to Darwin a must ; Drug Squad and OH&S will raid Lonely Planet editorial office where snip and paste production of so many guides exposes staff to dangerous glue vapours and hallucinations. *** OPRAH proudly boasts her visit to Uluru attracted a record number of blowfies. ***While Centralian tourist trade continues to dive , Austria overrun by Yank tourists, ignorant of geography , who mistakenly believe OPRAH did the Aussie Wave in that Germanic country. *** Austrian made boomerangs and leather stubbies selling like hot cakes, thanks to NT mix up . *** Big Game butterfly shooting safaris revive Batchelor economy.
MEDIA : Outbreak of bedsores in newsrooms continues , caused by sitting in offices waiting for hand outs from government spin doctors and PR palmy army . *** Busy scribe undergoes painful operation to remove millet broom jammed up anus, ordered by quack to use spellcheck and regular dollops of strawberry flavoured haemorrhoid ointment inserted during working hours . *** ABC taught ABC and how to pronounce place names such as Guam and Tripoli . *** Elastic perishes in literary giant’s bowtie and jocks .*** Star-struck reporter still suffering from incontinence after did but see Barack Obama passing by , and yet will remember him until eaten by pet crocodile called John Donne or Sir Robert . *** Several shock jocks come down with rabies - boofheads who listen to them placed on nation's growing brain transplant list.
