A pair of eager breeding monkeys- definitely not wanted in Darwin
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In a moment of extreme foolishness in South Australia , perhaps due to several libations ,this writer signed a promissory note agreeing to pay a staggering $1,500,000 on delivery of a pair of breeding monkeys. Fortunately, I have that yellowing promissory note and it can be reduced to ashes should a pair of fertile caged chimps arrive COD on my Darwin doorstep. The extravagent agreement was made with a colourful Pommie journalist, publisher, author, ex- car racer , opal trader , stamp licker , antique dealer , Toby jug collector, auctioneer and teller of improbable tales .This odd document resulted from an evening in which the said Britisher claimed he owned a property, near Rockhampton, Queensland , overrun by monkeys.
At first ,I was inclined to say pull the other one and similar disparaging remarks , but knowing the bizarre events this fellow had been involved in, asked him for details about his feral kingdom . One of many weird tales he had told me previously related to his seafaring grandfather who used to return to London from voyages with unusual souvenirs. After a trip to the Spice Isles , he had supposedly lobbed home with a hairy Orang-outang , which was placed in a cage on the landing.
Each time our storyteller, a young boy at the time, walked by the cage to go to the toilet , the animal tried to grab him in an embrace , so at night he just wet the bed rather than risk being hugged by grandpa’s frightening pet. I maliciously suggested that it was not an Orang-outang in the cage , but his poor old grannie , going through the change of life, driven mad by the belief that grandad had a girl (chimp) in every port, and that she was suffering from a severe hormone imbalance as well, obviously requiring replacement injections , shock treatment and extensive depilation . The poor critter escaped while being taken for a stroll one night during WW11 and was shot by police who probably thought it was a German invader in a devious disguise.
Meanwhile, back to the Queensland monkey colony story . The boy crushed by the fearsome monkey/ grandmother in the cage, came to Australia and helped people write and publish books, as well as doing a large amount of wheeling and dealing –he offered me 40 spinning wheels, several shipping containers of books, an album of penny blacks ,paintings , a hat worn by brave Nancy Wake of the French resistance and 100 dozen condoms well past their use by date .
One woman was so delighted by him helping write and publish her family history that, as a reward, he claimed she gave him a small , rundown property which had belonged to her father. Her father was said to have been connected in some vague way with a circus yonks ago. Monkeys from that circus had been kept on this block and multiplied, as monkeys do in fecund bananaland .
My informant, looking me straight in the eye, said he had visited the out of the way property and found large numbers of chimps cavorting near a waterway, like a scene out of a Tarzan movie. Still highly dubious, about to make a trip to Queensland , I demanded directions to this property and said I would drop in and test the veracity of his highly improbable story. In a flash, he drew a quick map of Queensland with an X marking the mysterious monkey kingdom spot . Carried away, I then promised to pay a fortune for a pair of breeding monkeys , if they existed.
Entrepreneur that he is, he said they were Rhesus monkeys , ideal for medical research, and were becoming increasingly valuable . I could make a fortune selling them to laboratories. Not sure how I could tell the sex of a monkey and how I might get a pair into a cage without being savaged , possibly contracting the dreaded ebola disease in the process ,like intrepid Dr Livingstone , I set forth with the map.
Unfortunately , I never did get to the supposed monkey lost world. This leaves open the possibility that there is a kind of Down Under Jurassic Park tucked away in the Sunshine State from whence One Nation obviously evolved.
