MOZZIE DANGER AT HOWARD SPRINGS

In view of the second encephalitis death in Darwin and the Health Department’s sluggish public alert , consideration should be given to closing the Howard Springs nature walk and installing a large sign warning of the mozzie danger .

The l.8km walk is swarming with mozzies right now. People intent on taking the pleasant stroll have been sent packing , beating at the insects, some of which attach themselves like augers and become evident inside fleeing cars. While online information about Howard Springs conveys the tip to take insect repellent , the fact is that the mozzies there are so ferocious they bite through shirts , blouses , trousers. Spraying exposed body parts is not sufficient. Once you walk across the weir, after appreciating those whopper barramundi , intent on doing the delightful walk in the bush, you are in kamikaze territory.

ELLIS BOOK PRAISES CLARE MARTIN

Despite his bumbling, incoherent recent performance on the ABC’s Q and A , author Bob Ellis is undoubtedly a great national asset . His odd utterances during the debates made the quaint Young Liberal on a previous show ,unable to put a meaningful sentence together, seem like a clued- up Einstein Factor contestant with a special subject - waffling. His performance may be due to the fact that he seems to make frequent quick return car trips from Sydney to Canberra and work through the night to meet deadlines for plays, books and film scripts. It is to be hoped viewers not aware of the existence of ALP warhorse Ellis ( hard to believe ) are not put off reading his latest book And So It Went… Night Thoughts in a Year of Change , Viking , a Penguin imprint. Ellis is akin to the great American writer , Norman Mailer, who pummelled , prodded and punched his nation with great literary onslaughts of new journalism , combining actual events, autobiography, political and social commentary , history and poetry .

Ellis’s bumper book is masterful, informative, entertaining , full of political insights and despair . Somehow, it seems the NT media has completely overlooked the NT content . The relentless search for crocs, unidentified flying objects and g-strings apparently leaves little time for local scribes to read anything other than the police blotter and PR hand outs.

Former NT Chief Minister , Clare Martin, whom Ellis calls a brave Labor heroine, likening her to film star Deborah Kerr , rates several mentions , and he muses that she could have become Prime Minister. Martin’s successor , Paul Henderson , is described in the book as “ inept”.

Ellis uses strong and unusual language to describe the Howard intervention in the NT – the investigation of Aboriginal children dubbed Ar*se Prodders Without Borders. Martin “ the most effective female politician in Australia’s history”, is brought down by the child abuse issue , he writes; the disgraced Bob Collins and his suicide is also mentioned.

Also covered in detail is Kevin Rudd’s visit to the New York strip club avec the NY Post editor, Col Allan, son- in -law of the late NT News editor, Jim Bowditch, and Warren Snowdon, Member for Lingiari , with scathing comments about the media .

On hearing of Norman Mailer's death , Ellis wrote that the writer had influenced his own literary efforts in earlier years . Mailer also put the hard word on Germaine Greer and regretted not having done the same to Marilyn Monroe . This is a worthy tome to buy for $35 and never lend because the borrower will almost certainly fail to return it to you . Take it to dinner parties and barbies to both entertain and infuriate lotus eaters by reading passages in between drinks .

FIREMAN-SAVE MY HANDBAG !

PARIS .- Darwin firefighters are the toast of the fashion conscious French capital after giving the kiss of life to a runaway handbag . No sassy French woman would be seen dead without a handbag. The fact that brave Darwin firefighters tore up the CBD for a damsel whose clutch fell into the musty catacombs beneath the city is front page news in Le Monde and Le Figaro .

Paris even has a handbag museum , Le Musee des Sacs, and the firefighters who rescued the traumatised clutch will be entered in its Hall of Fame. The museum’s swinging PR officer , Fifi Le Bon Bon , praised the key part in the handbag rescue played by “Messieur Salty”, a firefighter she described as a true hero and a skilled artist . She said he deserved the Croix de Guerre and a Charles de Gaulle sloppy kiss on both cheeks. Fifi revealed every firefighter in Darwin will be presented with an expensive Louis Vuitton handbag as a reward.

Paris firefighters, who mostly rescue French Poodles from drains, have also invited their Darwin brothers to a study tour of France. During that learning slurp, the tough Froggies will teach mild - mannered Territory firemen how to throw bricks at gendarmes during strikes and the art of hosing down politicians in demonstrations.

French firefighters find it unbelievable that there has not been a revolution in Australia over the Rudd Government plan to extend the retirement age to 67. In France , the retirement age is 55 and the mere suggestion of tampering with this results in massive civil unrest equivalent to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.

NIPPON LUVS TERRITORY CASHIER

TOKYO.- In a high honour for the NT , the Japanese Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dolphins (SPCD) has asked Treasurer Delia Lawrie to be its roaming ambassador in the South Pacific. As such , she will have the SPCD logo – a bottle nosed dolphin which glows in the dark - tattooed on her forehead.

Crocodile Dundee star , Paul Hogan , is the only other Australian SPCD ambassador , his special dolphin tattoo in a part of his body where the Australian Taxation Office cannot possibly find it, even with the help of a laser lamp and waterboarding. Informed sources claim Hoges's dolphin is disguised as an overcooked prawn, with a dash of chilli sauce.

In Japan , the sick Japanese stockmarket Nikkei index jumped 1000 points after television reported the unusual fact that the NT Government has a Treasurer with a school of dolphins tattooed on her fiscally, well-balanced leg. The Japanese economy had been so sick that the government is now thinking of appointing a new treasurer,Madame Butterfly, with twin tattoos of hot air balloons on her thighs, to try and re- inflate business activity which has been looking like Pearl Harbour for yonks .

SPCD secretary ,Yoko Flipper, taped the news report about the NT Treasurer and called an extraordinary meeting of members , delighted to see a person in high office highlighting the plight of dolphins . They all agreed the Aussie treasurer was the next best thing to a double serving of sushi and should star in Baz Luhrmann’s next version of Australia .

At that gathering there was speculation about whether or not former Federal Treasurer , Peter Costello, has a tattoo of any sealife, perhaps a dolphin or a squid , on his person. However, the majority feeling was that the honourable gentleman has a live box jellyfish swimming around in his trackies , which accounts for his facial expressions . Or else tasty slivers of bamboo driven beneath his fingernails.

DARWIN CEMETERY NEEDS ATTENTION

Most people regard the letters R.I.P. as standing for Rest In Peace. When it comes to Darwin’s Pioneer Cemetery , Goyder Road , it currently means Rest In Prickles. The cemetery is infested with sharp grass seeds which attach to footwear in clumps and stick in feet, causing pain . The grass is particularly thick around the graves of Police Inspector Paul Foelsche and his wife . A variety of weeds is growing within the Foelsche plot which bears a placard saying it is maintained by the nearby Foelsche Masonic Lodge . Earlier this year , there was a special memorial service at the Foelsches’ grave attended by the Adminstrator ( in plaster) , the mayor, police commissioner , a bugler and mounted police .

Also surrounded by feral weeds is the tombstone of early Labor politician Tom Crush whose wife was the redoubtable Fannie Haynes of Brock’s Creek who inspired author Xavier Herbert . Nearby is the grave of John George Knight after whom Nightcliff is named. This important cemetery deserves better maintenance .

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THAR SHE BLOWS !

A new management investment company plans to start a lucrative whaling business based in Darwin’s new wave pool. Great Southern Moby Dick Inc. ( Bahamas), N.L., is offering great tax offsets and a lifetime supply of free whalebone corsets for Territory investors .

The head of the company, Captain Ahab , of Nantucket, hastened to point out that his outfit is not connected to Great Southern Toothpicks and Great Southern Dinky Toys which are in financial trouble and floundering about like fish out of water. Captain Ahab said his company’s offer of free whalebone corsets will be very attractive to Territory fatties, especially male businessmen and politicians.

Captain Ahab told Little Darwin there is a big Japanese market for whale blubber. He made a fortune when he cornered the ivory artificial limb market and branched out into global whaling. He envisages Darwin’s wave pool lifeguards moonlighting as whale spotters and flensers during the Wet. Killer whales will be introduced to the wave pool to help round up humpbacks as they did in the early days of whaling in Australia. Children of a nervous disposition will not be admitted to the wave pool when killer whales are frolicking about as they will get a terrible fright-especially if the theme music of Jaws is being played over the public address system.

CLP ATTRACTS DEMENTED BIRDS

The Northern Territory is experiencing a plague of randy, short - sighted male emus. Dateless , desperate and myopic, the fleet –footed birds mistakenly see men in suits as desirable members of the opposite feathery sex. As a result, the blurred vision of a man in a suit makes your average red - blooded emu feel twitipated.

This has caused a major problem for the Country Liberal Party whose members get about in zoot suits, even when taking a bath. Little Darwin understands a CLP member with a tattoo of Ossie Ostrich, star of Hey,Hey It’s Saturday !, on his clavicle was chased down Smith Street by an amorous emu. Unfortunately, the near sighted critter , making loud mating calls, was run down by a bus filled by a party of nuns from the Vatican , gold medal winners in tag wrestling at the Arafura Games, who kindly took turns to apply mouth to mouth , making the poor bird feel he was in emu heaven before he had his last kiss. In a positive ending to his sad, celibate life, the emu was plucked , his skin turned into a high fashion garment decorated with barramundi scales and sold as a genuine made in China souvenir of the NT.

And police have urged the CLP to wear g-strings, kaftans or mini-skirts to prevent further traffic accidents . If CLP members insist in wandering at large in a seductive suit, they should carry a shotgun for protection.
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SMOKE, MIRRORS & RAINBOWS

As the ABC telecast of Malcolm Turnbull’s address in reply faded from the screen , most of his colleagues - but not that grimacing backbencher, that Phantom of the Opera , Peter Costell0 – were seen to applaud . Then Costello bolted from the building, pushing in front of pollies lined up for a free limo.

Was his haste due to an intention to launch an immediate leadership challenge or a desire to check the positions vacant in the banana republic of Kiribas where there is a grave shortage of legal wigs ? Ambitious Bronwyn Bishop, with a memory as strong as a wounded pachyderm , also expressed criticism of Malcolm’s tax on fags.

Throughout Malcolm’s flowery speech it seemed that fellow sitting behind him to his right , a pained haemorrhoid induced expression on his face, needed to visit a private hospital as soon as possible to ease the agony. ODD NOTE : Readers will recall how we said Paul Keating had described Treasurer Costello as having been hit in the a**e by a rainbow during the mining boom. Well, the bean bag Shadow Treasurer, Joe Hockey, has just said the Rudd government was hit by a rainbow when it came into office and there was a surplus. The point of impact was not defined .

THINGS WE HEAR

From various informants, we publish these intriguing items that you have not heard about in the local media...

1. Will the person who left that horrible blood red deposit in the manager’s loo at Bunnings , Bagot Road, please contact a doctor asap ? Or else, insert a grafted mango to ease the flow .

2. Were those police officers climbing over the locked high fence of a Nightcliff residence belonging to a person recently mentioned in a court case covered in the NT News rehearsing for a Spiderman movie?

3. The departure south of the border of a person from a powerful statutory organisation may have some interesting repercussions after six months have transpired.

4. The new Kiwi head of Royal Darwin Hospital should look into the problem of noisy wards . Trying to sleep is hard with visitors and some patients yahooing, yelling and making a nuisance of themselves. Try and escape the hubbub by moving outside and sitting in the sun and you run the gauntlet of being asked for fags or money.

PIERRE TAKES FRENCH LEAVE

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ET TU,BRONWYN ?++++++++++++++

Despite regular church attendance , there is a wicked , unchristian streak in Kevin Rudd . Fancy Kevin asking if Malcolm Turnbull is about to start selling steak knives . The PM knows full well the last thing Turnbull would do at the present moment is let his troops near a canteen of cutlery . The tired eyed old brigade of the Coalition is conspiring against him, some of the Melbourne Club string pullers are unhappy about their diminished influence , blatantly ambitious younger Libbers are jockeying for positions of influence in the event of Malcolm’s exit, be it of his own volition or due to a samurai sword wielding assassin on a misty Canberra morn.

It has been surprising indeed to hear criticism of Turnbull from an almost forgotten person once trumpeted as a potential PM, Bronwyn Bishop. She branded him as soft , the public not knowing what the Coalition stands for . Could she be positioning herself for a key position in the Coalition -perhaps even leadership of the party ? Some three decades or more ago , a frequenter of Sydney's Angel Place coffee shops , the bouffant and neatly frocked Bishop openly told members of the legal profession she intended to become the Prime Minister of Australia.

In a Rudd one term government scenario , a prospect which causes some Tories to wet their jodhpurs , Bronwyn could perhaps sweep into power. A true fairy-tale ending to rival any week in sport reports, replete with fairy godmothers , torn groins, hammies, and miracles .

For Bronwyn to rise to the top of the political slippery ladder at this late stage it would be similar to Lazarus coming back from a triple by-pass and a bad dose of swine flu with Bob Ellis as her campaign manager.

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BOGUS FINANCIAL CREDENTIALS

After the revelations of Peter Hartcher’s book ,To the Bitter End, the Coalition will surely not again dare to shriek like the witches of Macbeth that it is a better handler of the economy than the ALP . The signs aren’t promising though what with Malcolm Turnbull, Joe Hockey and the rest of the Nuns' Chorus variously chanting Rudd is spending like a drunken sailor or like Santa on steroids. Ho,ho,ho-merry mixed metaphors all round,including us.

The book and interviews with author Hartcher, political editor of the Sydney Morning Herald , revealed that Prime Minister Howard and Treasurer Peter Costello , pretending to be a a dynamic duo working in tandem, played ducks and drakes with the economy and each other . Treasury was instructed to keep the PM in the dark and Howard made announcements affecting the public purse without informing his buddy . Seems one helluva way to run an economy.

The mining boom enabled Costello to revel in the false illusion that he was a grand treasurer. Despite the massive revenue , hospitals , schools, roads , universities and major infrastructure projects were short changed. As usual , Paul Keating, with his exquisite command of pungent commentary, is on record as saying the facially contorted treasurer had been “ hit in the a*se with a rainbow ”. In more genteel language, this meant the government received pots of gold , not due to any action by Costello, the keeper of the exchequer not welcome by the PM to even use the tradesmen’s entrance at Kirribilli House.

CIA TEENY BOPPERS !!!

Please , please inform Little Darwin that those screaming females - waving , leaping up and down and beaming like loons - were not employed by the Central Intelligence Agency when President Barack Obama visited CIA headquarters. If those hysterical people were actual CIA operatives , not schoolgirls, interns or celebrity mad groupies , then it is easy to see why garrulous Fidel Castro survived 628 ½ attempts to knock him off.

How the CIA allowed such a bizarre reception for the most powerful man on earth beggars belief . Any maddie watching the telecast would have written the CIA off as a branch of the Jerry Springer or Oprah show.

NEGLECTED MAY DAY WARRIORS

Mark Latham was a talented True Believer of the real ALP during his time in politics . To its detriment , the party repeatedly disregarded his scholarly research , policy development and forthright views in his attempts to bring modern Third Way approaches to present issues and the constipated political system .

He was , unfortunately, treated by the party in much the same way as Barry Jones. His book, The Latham Diaries, Melbourne University Press , 2005, is an extraordinary insight into the malaise of Australian politics . In his books and numerous newspaper columns, he outlined ways to combat poverty and how to reform the education system to empower people and social entrepreneurs to advance the community.

It is interesting to note that Kevin Rudd took a personal interest in attacking poverty and the government has just announced a major education plan. It is to be hoped that a taxi load of Latham’s views on internal party reform and other social issues are adopted or incorporated in the future. Of course, his influence will not be acknowledged by the party.