MOCK CROCK IN CROC SHOCK

Several of Darwin’s polluted beaches-including Mindil- are being searched for a missing politician taken by a savage feral suet pudding - rejected and flushed down the toilet during judging of cakes by the CWA at the recent Darwin Show .

According to Darwin’s most respected newspaper,The Cullen Bay Cock-Up, the as yet unnamed politician, believed to be a senator , was wearing Siberian Little Whimbrel smugglers and handcuffs when he ventured into the murky mire and was grabbed by the pud .

A visiting Good Samaritan , Julia Ranger, sipping carbonated water, was walking her pet crocodile on the beach and rushed to help the struggling pollie . So desperate was he, the man offered Julia his autographed album of Barnaby Joyce in 57 farcical chartered accountant poses if she saved him from the heartless suet monster.

Unfortunately for the hysterical senator , Ranger’s randy crocodile , Vim, tried to mate with the comely suet pudding and the screaming man was last seen caught up in an otherwise passionate Mills and Boon ending being towed towards Timor–Leste , a flustered Cupid trying to get a clear shot with his bow and arrow on the two enthusiastic lovers , engaged in a series of lusty rolls ,which would surely win a gold medal for Australia in the aquatic dancing section at the forthcoming British Olympics.

BURLEIGH BOTHERS BROOME

This-bug eyed individual, a fine specimen of Australian manhood , is none other than multi-skilled celebrity architect , Peter Burleigh , in his studious younger days in Melbourne, just before departing for the Old Dart . Burleigh’s cartoons, his golden prose about the Paris cultural scene and enthralling Continental misadventures with journalist Pete Steedman and model Julie Reiter recently graced the Little Darwin blog, now read by secret police in Slovenia , China and the Ukraine. Currently on an outback safari , Burleigh, a vexing vexillologist, is reportedly in or about Broome where his patriotic flag waving will cause Cable Beach camel teams to bolt , fearful local residents to lock themselves inside, and Lord McAlpine’s and Paspaley Pearls Group's real estate properties to plunge in value. Burleigh is soon to feature in another epic instalment of the stunning Steedman saga dealing with Swinging London,once the sizzling copy is cleared by the censors , MI5 and Mary Whitehouse .

MEMPHIS MYSTERY CRACKED?

WASHINGTON : The FBI has been asked to investigate a claim that the trousers stolen from Malcolm Fraser when he was Prime Minister of Australia are being auctioned on e-bay. Mr Fraser was on a fact finding mission to Memphis when an audacious thief nicked his trews one dark night.

Dazed and chased by yapping mongrel dogs , our great leader was taken into protective custody . Considerate police officers supplied him with a Big Bird costume to hide his knobbly knees from disrespectful photographers.

The theft was regarded as one of the most audacious crimes in America . Despite the efforts of a team of detectives led by Elliott Ness , helped by Inspector Rex ,who ran his wet nose up the PM’s inside leg searching for a scent, no culprit was ever found. Now the case has been re-opened after all these years by e-bay offering the trousers , described as having once belonged to a famous, over stressed Australian grazier.

During his time as PM , irreverent , lefty , Bonox - sipping members of the media hurtfully nicknamed Mr Fraser the Crazy Grazier. So these strides on e-bay sound suspiciously like the ones stolen from Mr Fraser.

The FBI warns the elastic in the braces attached to the pants will have perished by now and moths will have riddled the cloth . If the stolen trousers are seized in a dawn SWAT team raid and returned to Mr Fraser, he will be advised not to wear them in public or else he will be arrested for having no visible means of support and impersonating a hobo without a permit to do so, much to Tammy's annoyance.

ALICE FOOT AND MOUTH ARTISTS ?

OUR CUPS RUNNETH OVER

Back down in the shivery south after enjoying the warmth of the Top End , an occasional latte sipper wishes it be made known that Darwin cafes are more generous in volume with their long macchiatos than Adelaide baristas . Dare we mention that another visitor from Sydney with whom we sipped and supped at Darwin Airport drank hot chocolate. Incidently ,while at the airport a tie was spotted atop a rubbish bin near the arrivals walkway, which would seem to indicate a visitor enjoyed the warmth and began to strip.

TERRITORY TREASURES -LITTLE DARWIN COLLECTION ODDITY

From the photographic collection of the late author/historian Glenville Pike comes this shot showing Northern Territory volunteers for World War 1 marching down to the wharf in Darwin with the Japanese flag flying near the rear in April 1915. Little Darwin previously pointed out that Japanese warships had protected North Australia from German attack and had escorted troop convoys. The current NT Library display of treasures in the parliamentary library includes the silk program for the Fourth Northern Territory Contingent Smoke Social at which our Japanese allies were praised.

WEIRD POLITICAL PAMPHLET IN DARWIN

THE QUEEN and her consort were blamed for suspension of the live cattle exports to Indonesia in an offensive leaflet placed under windscreen wipers in Darwin during the community Cabinet meeting at Palmerston led by PM Julia Gillard. Somehow, the local media failed to pick up the fact that the bizarre circular had been distributed at the meeting .

Put out by the right wing Citizens Electoral Council of Australia , based in Melbourne, it contained a drawing depicting Sir Robert Menzies kissing the Queen’s derriere , with John Howard, Paul Keating, Bob Hawke, Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard queued up behind . In a crazy rant , in keeping with the Coalition’s scare campaign, raving shock jocks and News Limited’s relentless anti- government “ crap” , it charged that the British Crown had “ordered” the Gillard-Greens coalition to “cull” the population of Australia . PM Gillard is further charged with “dutifully” carrying out the "genocidal depopulation directives" of the Queen and Prince Philip’s World Wide Fund for Nature .

It reads like the fanatical diatribes which flood American TV, radio,the print media ,even churches , where the political atmosphere has been poisoned to such a degree that the economic and social cohesion of the nation is being torn asunder,with dire consequences for the world.

CEC,described as being of the far right and fascist , evolved out of the extreme right wing Australian League of Rights led by Eric Butler and is affiliated with the LaRouche Movement headed by the American Lyndon LaRouche , the conspiracy theorist. .

In the 2007 federal election , CEC received a total of 27,879 first preference votes in the lower house and 8677 in the upper house, both down 0.14 percent on 2004 .In the Northern Territory Senate count where a quarter of their vote came from , CEC received 2.01 percent of the vote . So it would seem that the NT is regarded as fertile ground for potential followers and when you see so many wacko letter writers to the editor and listen to the university station ranters it is no wonder.

The CEC newspaper New Citizen ran the bizarre line that Martin Boyd, under the control of brainwash specialists for British Intelligence’s psychological warfare bureau , had carried out the "orchestrated " Port Arthur massacre, shooting dead 35 people and wounding 37 others .