BOAT PEOPLE ESCAPE IN CANAL CRUISER

Another slightly condensed   exclusive  from  Peter Burleigh under  his  topical  heading . It  is out of sequence , but then  this entire blog  is out  of  whack.  So as not to upset dog lovers , we  deleted   the part which  revealed  that  to sell  his house in Australia before  fleeing  to  France  , not  only did he throw in all the  furniture, fittings, pictures and  his  many  framed  glowing references from multi-national  corporations , he  included  faithful  fido . (No mention  was  made  to  the buyers  about   the   black  snakes  which  have   invaded  the  house  in  the  past .)  

House trained  French  snake  by  Pierre Roy

At last, contact from an alien (OK, me)! I haven’t written in weeks because I couldn’t think of an excuse why I haven’t written. So I gave up and am writing. My weeks of email silence have been dominated by the hot weather – at least three heatwaves have beaten us down.

Days of over-30 degree heat with the boat in the sun (it’s a lot harder to find a boat-friendly shady spot on a canal or riverbank than you might think, and you are moving en soleil  pretty much every day.) Our most recent onboard guest has returned to Lyon after a week of trying to improve Judi and my French with mixed results. I  did  learn  that the French word ‘salade’ means ‘lettuce’.

 

Our English BBQ (inherited with the boat) finally died  so we have imported one from Germany via the Internet. As you might expect, the German version works far better and now we can cook  Duck, Guinea Fowl and Lamb without the surrounding environment exploding  in   flames.

 

We have once again returned to our ‘home port’ of St Jean de Losne as our replacement stern thruster – one of the boat’s most vital sexual organs – has arrived from Holland.  It was originally delivered somewhere in the south of France.


They sent it back again, then re-sent it to  the same wrong address. No one knows where it's gone (true!) Our marina ordered another one. After a false alarm or two the new one has arrived, so we expect our boat to be craned out of the water tomorrow and  the  thruster fitted, ‘expect’ being the operative word. At least this location has Internet of a kind, crippled but still dragging itself along by the knuckles.
 

In a few days we hope all will be well, and we can head up the Doubs River to Dole and Besancon, both spectacular cities and meccas for good food and grog, and perhaps go as far east as Montpellier before we reach the edge of the world. We’ll meet friends from  London and Canberra and cruise for a couple of weeks. Lucky our livers have been in training. Besancon is the site of a spectacular military citadel perched on top of a rock similar to Rio de Janeiro’s Sugarloaf. Maybe I won’t send you an email about  it.

SECRET MISSILE BASE UNDER CONSTRUCTION IN AUSTRALIA

S(h)ipping  Reporter  Word  Exclusive 

In a closely guarded ,  secret location in Townsville , above , an  instant  lend-lease  missile  base  is  being rapidly  constructed  to   shower  the  bellicose  North Korean  leader  , King Kong Jong -Ill,  with   ICBMs  carrying  thousands of  miniaturised   rough   ends  of   Queensland  Golden  Circle  pineapples.  

 

These  warheads  will   be delivered  just as  blubbery  King Kong  throws  a  leg over a  poor Shetland  pony, his  vitals exposed to  attack  ,  at  the start of  a  daily gallop   imitating  John Wayne  in  the  epic  western movie , True  Boofhead.

 

 Townsville  reporters , as usual , are  not  aware of the  frenzied  waterfront   activity  because  they  do not venture down near  the sea,   have not  received a Pentagon  media   hand  out  and   are  too  busy  watching  social  media .

However,   our   waterfront  roundsman ,   the  only one  north of  Wagga Wagga , was  tipped off  about  the  hush-hush  missile  base  while  s(h)ipping  soda  in  Molly  Malone's  Irish  bar .

The chairman of the Disaster Management Group ,  Cairns Regional Council, Terry James,   has  been  reported  as saying   a nuclear attack on the area has  never been considered. In  a  worst case scenario , the council  would ask  Defence   for instructions on  how to react . The Cairns paper  ran  the  strange heading: City in  range  but  safe... Cairns low as  North Korea missile  target . 


 In the case of  the Townsville City  Council , calling for  numerous  shovel ready  projects to get off  the ground , a strategically  placed  nuke  which  caused water to  flow  freely   from the  Burdekin  without cost  to  ratepayers  would  be  regarded as a positive act  , which the  Murdoch  Townsville   Bulletin would  no doubt applaud .       

ASTONISHING CANAL CHIC # 2

Sounding  as if  his  brain was deep  fried in the recent   French heatwave ,  canal correspondent   Peter   Burleigh ,    with a superior new  portable   German barbecue  cooker , sent   this  sizzling    follow   up  to  his  earlier  dispatch  about  his  fame as  a  Facebook   sock   and  sandal celebrity . 

 

One of the annoying things about the popular media is its short attention span. One day you read a fascinating story about, say, domestic violence against flightless birds in Bulgaria, and it’s never followed up. You never find out about the role of  Turkmenistani ‘Turkey Whisperers’ or whether chicken plucking is a regulated  profession  in  Bulgaria.  
 

As a responsible fact-based popular-interest journal of record, this is the Little Darwin follow-up to that recent and fascinating piece, “Celebrity Chic”. A professional linguist at a university somewhere near Costa Rica has provided us with the actual lyrics to the French rap hit ALURA , the hymn of  the socks-and-sandals celebrity phenomenon built around this reporter’s impeccable dress sense.

Ouais ouais ouais
Ouais ouais ouais
Ouais ouais ouais
Ratata  (Yeah, yeah, yeah.... Ratata)

Ca sent l'été j'vais tout niquer 

(It smells of summer. I'm gonna fuck everything.)

Barbec' à la cite 

(BBQ in the projects)

Tous mes gars sont invités faut éviter d'foutre la merde ils vont nous soulever.

(All the guys are invited. We'd better not do shit or they'll take us away.)

J'sors avec des Nexi Panterra 

(I'm going out with Nexi Panterra types [modeled on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN1reAf4EZk])

Chicha posée sur la terrasse, y'a les keufs dans les parages 

(Hookah's on the patio. There are cops around.)

Personne rentre c'est nous qui faisons les barrages 

(Nobody's leaving, we're making barricades)

Même en claquettes on est bien sappé 

(Even in sandals we're fashion fit)

Pour la graille on va s'taper 

(For the grub, we don't give a shit)

Les merguez sont cramées qu'est-ce t'as fait ? 

(The sausages are charred, so what?)

Mais qu'est-ce t'as fait ?

(Whatcha doin'?)

En claquettes au calme 

(In sandals, all chill)

Sur mon transat au calme 

(On my deckchair, all chill)

Plusieurs dans ma boca 

(A few in my mouth)

Sers pas la main t'es pas local 

(Don't use your hand, you're not from around here)

Ouais ouais ouais
Ouais ouais ouais
Ouais ouais ouais
Ouais ouais ouais 

(Yeah, yeah, yeah...)

J'suis en claquettes chaussettes 

(I'm in sandals and socks)

Claquettes chaussettes 

Claquettes chaussettes 

(Sandals and socks)

Tu connais c'est la tess

(You know, it's the projects)

J'suis en claquettes chaussettes 

(I'm in sandals and socks)
Claquettes chaussettes 

If that’s not a call for a fashion-based civil uprising, I don’t know what is! To join them at the barricades, Google ‘Alura France YouTube’ and you might be able to check it out. But this piece isn’t about that, it’s an update about the evolution of a trend. The sandals-and-socks look is one of those ideas which sticks to a culture like pate to a blanket. Peculiarly, when such trends occur there is a simultaneous international orgasm of  plagiarising  the original idea.

For example, a university in the remote pacific is inaugurating a “Chair of Claquettes”. In the US, it’s rumoured that Disney’s newest Star Wars movie will feature Storm Troopers wearing socks and hover-sandals. In Spain, Flamenco dancers are forsaking their high-heel boots for wooden sandals worn over socks. Experts accept their superior ‘clacking’ sound has caused an uproar.   

 

In Australia, residents of retirement homes arrange massed clack-along sessions to the original music. What is bizarre is their use of false teeth to generate the signature “clacking”. Football fans throughout England are cheering the adoption of spiked claquettes worn over team-coloured socks – this despite the sound muffling effect when trying to ‘clack’ on grass playing fields.

In Greece, sports media are discussing the creation of a new Olympic event which combines “claquettery” and chess.

In New Zealand, the debate about a new national flag now includes a design showing a golden sandal with a sock in it treading on a fern frond. In Pakistan, a new graphic novel featuring a ten-footed goddess in claquettes is soon to be published. So far no details of the plot have been released. 

 

When Forbes magazine released its annual  Celebrity 100 list of the highest paid celebrities in the world, the total earnings for all top celebrity 100 earners totalled $4.5 billion over the course of 2010 alone. I therefore had a fair and reasonable expectation that I would appear on the 2017 list. Even a place halfway down would have done. 
 

For instance, internet research showed media mogul and talk show host, Oprah Winfrey as the top earner with earnings of $US290 million. Forbes cites that Lady Gaga reportedly earned over $90 million in 2010. In 2013, Madonna was ranked as the fifth most powerful and the highest earning celebrity of the year with earnings of $125 million. She has consistently been among the most powerful and highest earning celebrities in the world, occupying the third place in Forbes Celebrity 100 in 2009 with $110 million of earnings, and reaching tenth place in the 2010 list with annual earnings equal to $58 million. Exciting figures! 
 

But what of the originator of the claquettes trend? How many millions has he accumulated? Sadly, the popularity of my visionary creation has overwhelmed my role as its originator. I expected a minimum of fifteen minutes of fame but so far, by my own count, I have had two-and-a-half minutes and maybe not that much. I have worked tirelessly through my network of celebrity fellow-travellers and under the pressure of my Agent to feed the world’s need for exciting new ideas. My ideas have been pre-empted by other multi-millionaire entrepreneurs. 

 

Have you seen the multi-coloured super-pointy shoes beloved by fantasy figures like elves and dwarves? They are a smash in Mexico, and you can buy them online. What did I get out of it? Zilch. 

 

And mosquito-nets pants? Brilliant, yes? Keep your legs cool and insect free and display your underwear at the same time. Perfect for your next ‘claquette’ session. Result: nada, but you’ll find them for sale on the internet. 

 

My ‘Princess Leia pet headphones’ got lots of support from my Agent, but that concept was bushwhacked too. Imagine this winner: a pair of headphones with a little cage where the earpieces (and Leia’s buns) would be – and in each cage, a pet mouse or a canary. Another solid-gold concept relegated to the dustbin of history.

 

 But I won’t be beaten. I have an even better idea, designed for tennis players and their fans:
 

THE SW’OUSER (pronounced S-wowzer). 

You don’t have to buy it to try it  – simply go to your clothes drawer, pull out a sweater of any colour or size, long or short sleeves (short sleeves best for summer, as you know). Yes, it’s the ‘sweater-trouser’! See how it works? Simply insert your legs through the sleeves on a cold day and guess what – you’ll have warm legs while you play or watch tennis!* It has an extra convenience – the neck-hole is perfect for use when you are caught short on a call of nature. 

 

And most vital, the Sw’ouser is a perfect accompaniment to your socks and sandals. Dance it up! Clack it to the extreme – it’s all a wonderful new expression of  individual fashion inventiveness. 

You can obtain your own signed Sw’ouser^ from Little Darwin. Contact LD at its Fannie Bay (Jail )  address for details and receive a note from this reporter in return. Become a Celebrity like me. People will stare at you (they stare at me) take your photo and shake your hand (or leg, if you are wearing your Sw’ouser). This is a new beginning for us all. 

*In marketing terms, sponsors like Nike, Puma or Harley-Davidson can double their exposure by branding both your shirt and your Sw’ouser!^Sw’ouser is singular. You can’t have a ‘pair of Sw’ousers’ unless you purchase two. Avoid  cheap copies  made  in Australian sweatshops by slave labour .  

SUGAR SHAKER SHOOK UP A LA RAFFLES STYLE

The Townsville  CBD landmark building known as the  Sugar Shaker , once   the Holiday Inn , now sports  its  Singapore name on high  , Hotel Grand Chancellor. The shaker in earlier days  below . The  city is  becoming so cosmopolitan  that  it now sports Istanbul Kebabs in  the Flinders Street  East nightclub  precinct .

MAN WHO COULD WHISTLE UP FISH REMEMBERED IN SAD POETRY

Tucked away at the bottom  of  P5  in this  slim 1965  edition of Expression, magazine of the  Writers' Guild   of Queensland  and  the Guild of  Academy of Art, is  a small  item , easy to overlook, except for the heading ,  THE  LAST  OF   HIS  TRIBE .

It informed members  that  next month  " Uncle Willie McKenzie  " , 84,  last surviving  member  of the Stanley River  tribe  of Aborigines , would be  the guest at the  Writers'  Circle . He would sing  corroboree  songs  and  tell  folk   tales . It went on to say that not only was he  an expert with boomerang, but skilled at whistling  fish   to  call  them to  the  surface to be speared.

Uncle  Willie  would answer  questions  and a    most interesting   evening was   assured . The year  after , he  died . He was  described as the last   fullblood   surviving  member of the  Darwarbada  tribe  of the Caboolture  district, tribal  name  Geerbo, his totem the native bee . McKenzie  came from his  family's first "white boss " ,  a selector , there  being at least   three variations in  the  spelling over  the   years.    

 

 Aboriginal poet Oodgeroo Noonuccal , Kath Walker,  in her book ,  The Dawn Is  At  Hand ,    ran   a  poem  for  him ,  Dispossessed ;  in   Last Of  His Tribe,  she told   of   the  plight of    "Willie  McKenzie" , a singer of  ancient tribal songs , lead dancer of  corroborees,   who had   taken part in  two tribal   fights against invaders ,   living  in a Salvation Army home , a displaced  person in  his  own  country .

Jacaranda Press , Brisbane , in 1960  published  Legends of the Goundirs , by Uncle Willie Mackenzie ,  told  to his  niece ,  Sylvia  Cairns , illustrated  by Fred   Cobbo , a  children's Dreaming  story .   In  1971  it  was  produced  in  braille. 

Expression's patron  was   Sir  Raphael W. Cilento , father of actress  and  author  Diane Cilento  who  at one stage was   married to  Sean Connery (James Bond  ) . In the  1980s she   settled  at Mossman , north  of Cairns , where she opened an outdoor theatre named  Karnak  for experimental  drama .  

GOLDEN GIRL BETTY CUTHBERT REMEMBERED BY SLOW SCRIBE

Betty Cuthbert, taken by me , during  an  early   athletic  event  in Sydney circa  1950  , the letter  E pinned to her stands  for  the Ermington Public  School, which  she  and  twin sister  Marie ,  also fleet  footed ,  attended .  Marie , unfortunately , blurred,  was  cut out of  the photograph .  In the school photo below , from which Betty  is missing for some unknown reason ,  Marie  Cuthbert    is  in the  third row from  the  front , fourth girl  from the left,white  ribbons  in  her  hair . In  the back row , third  kid from the  left  in  whites, is  this writer.  

 My  abiding memory  of  attending  the school  at the same time  as  the  Cuthberts was the annual event in  which the fastest  girl runners  and the fastest  boys, me one of the latter ,  were pitted  against each other . The  Cuthberts   romped  home  against  the  rest  of  the  field ... beaten by  girls !  Still, Betty went on  to win  three  Gold Medals at the 1956  Melbourne   Olympics  and  another  at Tokyo .

 

In the  l960s , I recalled this ignominious defeat   in  a   piece  I wrote  for  the   Rotorua   Post  when  I met  up  with her  again when she was on a  tour of New Zealand ,  part of  a clipping from  that  story below .  

 *****************************************

Ermington  Schooldays

The Cuthbert  family ran  a plant   nursery  at  Ermington, within  walking distance  of the school . There was a   view  from the nursery across  the Parramatta River  and  industrial  plants , a   paint  factory  in particular ,    from  which  fumes   wafted . After I left Ermington and went to high school at North  Newtown  and  then  Fort Street, I  daily took the  train  from West Ryde  which  went  by  factories  emitting   strong  smells . 

 

On hearing in 1969  that Betty  had  been  diagnosed with  multiple sclerosis, I speculated  that  those  industrial fumes  may  have been responsible for her  condition .  I recalled  the brother  of a friend of mine who lived down near the  river had  come  down with some strange  illness.  

 Taking  to the  hills

Despite being beaten by the  Cuthberts , I took up cross country running  and used to scamper  across  the Carlingford  Heights like a  Beagle , athlete  Albie Thomas prominent in those days .  At North Newtown  Intermediate High I was in the athletic team  which in 1953  won  the Mick Simmons Trophy  for the Champion School  and the Junior Panel at the Combined Intermediates  School  Carnival .  Some additional  after school  training  took   place  at  Burwood   at  an athletics field where   Betty  may have   become  involved  at  some stage , not  sure about  this .   

 

Dead Heat

 

The  news of  Betty's  death   caused   my  heart to flutter  when  it was  stated that she  was  79 ... so  am  I.

The typical open mouthed running style  of Betty captured in this  statue of  her at  the Melbourne Cricket Ground .(By  Peter  Simon ) 

THINGS WE SEE AND HEAR - NOT REPORTED IN THE MEDIA

Last year's  federal election is long  over  yet  a   large sign  for defeated  LNP  Member for  Herbert    Ewen  Jones   is  visible    alongside the  railway line  north  of  Townsville .  The   Australian Electoral Commission  office in Townsville  and  the  local  media  are  free  to  follow up  this  tip .

****************************************

 Also  very noticeable   driving north  of  Townsville  is a large sign  featuring a  rifle in which  Labor   is charged with  taking  away  firearms .  Could be another  story  here with  interesting political   angle .

****************************************

Disturbing  information  received about  the lack of  proper attention  given   great Territorian  Vern  O'Brien  in palliative care during  his  last  few days  alive  in  Darwin .

*****************************************

Several  reports  of  interior car  door  handles  breaking off on Hyundai  cars , some  hire  vehicles.  Also  traveller  sighted  several     Hyundai  cars broken down on  the  side of  the road   in   various   parts  of  Australia .What  gives?
******************************************