MONKEYING AROUND

Cull of  the  Century ongoing   series

 

It is no surprise that one  (moi)  feels  light headed  , has a few throbbing useless  bits  and  pieces  of  the  anatomy , laughs  occasionally like a  loon  , swears  softly  and  sweats profusely  while going through this blog's files, cardboard   boxes , dusty topped  archival   bins ,   drawers  filled with  ephemera  , photo albums .

Mad  memories  come  flooding  back when you pull out some oddity  about which you had almost  forgotten . One  such  item was  the above deal  to pay $1,500,000  for  a pair of  breeding  monkeys , said to be part of a  rapidly expanding   colony  near  Rockhampton, Queensland.

 

By Peter Simon

 

The  proposed  Simon simian  deal  arose  in  South Australia   a score or more years ago while  drinking   with   former  journalist ,  author , Toby jug  collector , opal  dealer   Robert  Haill .  As a lad back in Pommie Land , Robert  had a nasty   experience   with  a  monkey (could have been an  Orangutan ) his  seafaring   grandfather  brought home  as  a  souvenir . The creature, he said,  was kept in a cage on  the  landing. When young  Robert  attempted to go to the toilet  at night , the lonely creature  tried  to grab  him , give him a  hairy hug . As a result , Rob retreated ...wet  the  bed , repeatedly . The  animal escaped during  the  war  and  was  shot  dead  by  police .  

 

 Meanwhile, back at the absurd contract . Haill , who once offered me a special deal on  Penny Black  stamps  , told me he had been   given  a property out of Rockhampton  on which  there were  monkeys  by  a  woman he  had helped  write her  family  history . Monkeys  in  Queensland ? Pull the other one , Robert. No . True . As he had   once worked for the Truth newspaper in Melbourne, he might just be  telling  the   truth .    

 

 He claimed to have actually visited the property , seen chimps in substantial numbers  swinging about near a  creek. This had been  some years  ago  , so they had  probably  bred like  rabbits  and  there  could  now be more monks than cane toads in  the Sunshine State .

 

Still dubious about  the monkey colony , I continued to  take the mickey   out of Robert. He responded  in similar vein , embroidering the implausible story . These  monkeys  , he  said , were  not  ordinary members of our forebears, they were the  rarer , more desirable Rhesus ones,  in  demand for  medical  tests . 

 

As imports of monkeys into Australia were now banned because of the fear of introducing foot and mouth , these  Rhesus  were   even more  valuable   to develop    vaccines  against  all  kinds  of  diseases .  

 

On the strength of  this sound   advice , I thought this was a golden opportunity  to  corner the Rhesus   market and  make  megabucks.   However, I was not stupid. I told Robert  I was intending to drive up to Townsville in the near future and would   call  at his   estate near  Rocky  and  check  out  the  swinging  inmates .

 

If , indeed, there were monkeys , the rare  Rhesus  ones, I  would purchase a breeding  pair,  bring  them  back  with  my  wife   in  the car, and start  my stud .  Robert instantly drew  up  the  promissory note, on a piece of old  newspaper copy paper ,  acting on the  adage that  there is a sucker  born  every minute . In doing so, he managed to spell my name incorrectly . (Anyway, I was going to pay him with a cheque drawn on the  Bank of Nigeria ). 

Haill's  not  in  good  order  breeding  monkeys.

  Never did  get  to  visit  the  dubious property .  If  there is a grave  shortage of bananas  in  the near  future, blame  it on  Haill's Army  of   feral  monkeys  rampaging   through  the nation's  banana plantations .