LIKELY ABBOTT WIN WILL CAUSE EXODUS , DEPRESSION

With  polls  predicting  a  Tory landslide , many  right  thinking  Australians   are  planning  to flee , some  to distant black  holes  in  the universe.  Virgin  chief , Sir Richard Branson , said   there  has  been  an  enormous  sudden  rush   by  Australians wanting  to   book   seats  aboard   Virgin  Galactica’s   first  spaceflight ,  set  down  for  Christmas.   Because of  the  incredible  demand  by  people  wanting  to  become  astronauts   and   rocket  to  another planet ,  Sir  Richard  said  the   pioneering  flight   will  now   take   place  in  two  weeks.    Thereafter ,  there  will  be  standing room  only   regular  flights  each   fortnight. The   waiting  list  would  probably  stretch for  20 years .

 

NASA  this  morning revealed  that  it is  renewing the  moon  landing  plan  to  accommodate Australians  who  want  out  of   this  world  when  the  weird  aliens  take  over after September  7.   Across  the Tasman , the  Kiwis  are  bracing  themselves  for  an influx of  Australian   boat  people  escaping  the   new  regime,  hopeful  of  becoming  Rotorua  poi  dancers   and  gay marriage celebrants .

 In  Melbourne ,  medical  experts  predict  former  Victorian  premier   and  political commentator ,  Jeff  Kennett , will  have  the  busiest  year  of  his  life  as   the   head  of  Beyond Blue   , which  helps overcome  depression   and   anxiety.  To  cope  with   the  certain  avalanche  of  the  depressed  legions , a  sports medicine   doctor  said   Kennett  will  have  to be  Superman  to  stand  up  to the strain.  He suggested  a  course of  strawberry  and  prune  flavoured  Essendon  performance   enhancing drugs to   keep  him   bright – eyed   and  bushy  tailed  during  the   long   ordeal  ahead.