In a brilliant move to counter his growing unpopularity avec les femmes , Coalition Leader, Tony Abbott, is to undergo a major makeover to improve his image . First, he will change his surname to Turnbull-Abbott ( even if it means losing the donkey vote ), and wear leather jackets in public - instead of his daggy Junior Chamber of Commerce clobber. Because he is regarded as the B.O. Kid by so many women , he will rub his armpits with Mongolian garlic knobs which emit powerful pheromones that drive femmes crazy with desire.
Women who get a whiff of the seductive odour become mad keen for a date . Informed of this, Mr Abbott said he would buy up tasty dates in bulk from the Middle East through a war surplus store and give them to dateless and desperate women and Narelle , the lonely chimpanzee at Taronga Zoo Park .
During his recent visit to Alice Springs, the Mad Monk addressed the CLP at a candlelit dinner and caused many to spit like camels. He tried to impress a well known local lady by getting her to walk on his Bondi designer label possum skin cloak, but he slipped on a banana skin while flinging down the gorgeous garment . On that same disastrous trip to Alice he bought some locally grown dates to take home and was trampled underfoot by feral female camels which roam the mall and the RSL, proving beyond doubt that dates ,maybe even seedless prunes, drive hairy females silly. He is confident that he will project a new image of inner cleanliness which will also lead to a spike in bookings at speed dating centres for the blind.
