* Unfortunate randy octopus now on life support
In breaking news , Opposition Leader, Tony Abbott , has been rushed to hospital in Sydney after being attacked by a deadly blue ringed octopus at County Bondi .
Astute readers will recall that Mr Abbott, who spends a lot of time trying to read the political and economic portents in the entrails of Young Liberal Party prawn and Farex nights , recently warned the nation that it was being strangled by an octopus. Now, spookily, he is the victim of a nasty, spotty octopus shaped like Bronwyn's ruffled hairdo the morning after a wild night of line dancing with the National Party .
Initial reports say the amorous octopus apparently slipped into Abbott’s budgie smugglers while he was doing the Australian crawl and gave him a painful love bite in a most disadvantageous position . As he screamed in agony, called for help and beat at his groin with his boxing gloves , one containing a horseshoe , shocked onlookers thought it was a stunt for a reality TV show as he seemed to be singing a wild version of the OCTOPUS’S GARDEN song , made famous by The Beatles. One of the first to rush to his assistance was crapmetal dealer and used chaffbag salesman, Alan Penny-Farthing Jones, who had been promenading on The Corso with his second best friend , a talking prostate gland , who resides in a fancy pickle bottle filled with formalin and a splash of Jennie George’s curative yoghurt. Jones offered to give Abbott mouth to mouth resuscitation or suck the venom from the afflicted area. Writhing in agony, Abbott said any one of these acts would mean they were legally married in Arkansas and cause him great damage in the polls . Furthermore , if Jones had not cleaned his dentures that morning Abbott could turn into a vampire with pointy teeth and ears.
Astute readers will recall that Mr Abbott, who spends a lot of time trying to read the political and economic portents in the entrails of Young Liberal Party prawn and Farex nights , recently warned the nation that it was being strangled by an octopus. Now, spookily, he is the victim of a nasty, spotty octopus shaped like Bronwyn's ruffled hairdo the morning after a wild night of line dancing with the National Party .
Initial reports say the amorous octopus apparently slipped into Abbott’s budgie smugglers while he was doing the Australian crawl and gave him a painful love bite in a most disadvantageous position . As he screamed in agony, called for help and beat at his groin with his boxing gloves , one containing a horseshoe , shocked onlookers thought it was a stunt for a reality TV show as he seemed to be singing a wild version of the OCTOPUS’S GARDEN song , made famous by The Beatles. One of the first to rush to his assistance was crapmetal dealer and used chaffbag salesman, Alan Penny-Farthing Jones, who had been promenading on The Corso with his second best friend , a talking prostate gland , who resides in a fancy pickle bottle filled with formalin and a splash of Jennie George’s curative yoghurt. Jones offered to give Abbott mouth to mouth resuscitation or suck the venom from the afflicted area. Writhing in agony, Abbott said any one of these acts would mean they were legally married in Arkansas and cause him great damage in the polls . Furthermore , if Jones had not cleaned his dentures that morning Abbott could turn into a vampire with pointy teeth and ears.
A Manly surf lifesaver told Little Darwin Abbott’s bitten area inflated like a balloon -“like Joe Hockey’s face when he huffs and puffs on television every day .”The quick thinking lifesaver called in a passing Japanese whaler to ease the dangerous situation by firing an explosives tipped harpoon into the hapless politician . Then tanned members of the nearby Bondi Icebergers Club waddled across and applied large blocks of ice to the gory wound, causing him to again yell and scream , as if singing the Octopus’s Garden once more , this time reminiscent of the odd version by The Muppets, perhaps even the rarely heard cute performance by the Chipmunks . STOP PRESS : Malcolm Turnbull fell down laughing on hearing of his leader’s painful plight and was taken away in an ambulance , jibbering like Inspector Clouseau’s chief in the Pink Panther movie. The Turnbull family goldfish is receiving trauma counselling and brave Mrs Turnbull is taking frequent swigs of Omega 3 to cope with the grim fact that the poor octopus will die and her husband will eventually come home a different, twitching man , sedated, wearing a back to front canvas jacket with large Royal Navy brass buttons and straps .
