TUGBOAT SINKING RAISES STINK

All the publicity about the pollution of Darwin Harbour has forced the cancellation of the planned reshoot of the 1933 Hollywood box office hit Tugboat Annie . Little Darwin can , as usual, exclusively reveal that a team of talent scouts has been in town secretly looking for locals to play key parts in the proposed movie. They had already spotted a feisty local woman who they say would make an ideal Tugboat Annie .

While they would no reveal her name, they dropped some tantalizing clues :she reeks of garlic prawns , calls a spade a spade , has put the wind up several prominent port rats , is a champion arm wrestler and intends to stand as an independent at the next NT election .

The original Tugboat Annie movie was about a comical , quarrelsome couple who ran a tugboat. Marie Dressler played Annie Brennan and Wallace Beery , was her husband, Terry, a lazy, bragging drunk who crashed the vessel. Finding a person in Darwin to play Terry is easy because of the many beery blokes on stools.

However, financial backers of the movie pulled out after reading about the pollution of Darwin from ore loading ships and the poo shooter effluent which now not only discharges in technicolour but in putrid 3D as well . American audiences, they say, would be repulsed by such a location for a wholesome family film.

DARWIN VENTURE LEAVES SOUR TASTE

Very much out of pocket , unimpressed by some members of the legal fraternity and dismayed by dealings with local businessmen and the handling of tenders and letting of government contracts , a man has departed Darwin intending to warn off entrepreneurs thinking of starting up in the Territory.

An alarm bell should have rung early in the piece when a person who wanted to do business with his company could not obtain credit from a supplier. The fellow was ,however, closely associated with a prominent Darwin resident.

The disenchanted businessman had travelled overseas and intended importing products for which there is a great demand in the NT. Unfortunately, all his efforts and expenditure have come to nought . The final blow came when a court document filed by his lawyer was incomplete -a page was missing - and he was promptly wound up. His treatment in the Territory has been examined by a southern lawyer .

IS THIS A CRIME ?

According to a strong rumour , a Darwin citizen went green about the gills on hearing that questions were being asked about how he came into possession of a file containing confidential information . He seems to have dropped out of sight for some odd reason. There are other dire ramifications which could flow from this saga . More anon.

LEST WE FORGET THE BUCKS

A war memorial in the tiny town of Acland , near Toowomba, has to be moved because a juggernaut coal company, New Hope Coal , Australia, wants to mine the site. On Magnetic Island , a tourist accommodation venue named Centaur , in memory of the 268 who died when the hospital ship of that name was torpedoed off Queensland in May l943 by the Japanese , changed hands and was given a new "brand" name . There were horrific screams as survivors of the Centaur sinking were attacked by sharks . Where would civilization be without wall to wall brand names reducing everything to baked beans ? That weird Woy Woy warrior and goon , Spike Miligan , before he fell in the water and disappeared, warned that Australia would end up a nation pock marked with worked out mine sites and nothing to show for all the wealth extracted. What he saw happening in Australia probably added to his depression.

ALICE SPRINGS NAME SHOCK

In a brilliant example of de Bono’s lateral thinking , Alice Springs is to be renamed ALASKA ! The moose shooting Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin , agreed to the name swap in exchange for a blunderbuss, a mess of salt petre ,a sack of rusty nails and several beads and mirrors. Palin has a bright new political future as a TV provocateur inciting the nation’s multitudinous maddies to plug the president.

Little Darwin can reveal that the Henderson Government and NT tourist industry head , Sylvia Wolf , have been working on this stunning name exchange ever since the temporary ice skating rink was set up in Alice last year and proved such a hit with locals and tourists.

As part of the breathtaking deal, the NT Government has offered Mel Brooks $10 million to stage Hitler on Ice in Alice each Christmas for the next three years . Other planned icy spectaculars will be The Sound of Music , Gone With The Wind , On Frozen Pond , Titanic- on- Todd and the Canadian Mountie musical, Rose Marie I Love You.

Little Darwin has been told another extravaganza, complete with live polar bears,a colony of Emperor penguins and NZ fur seals , has a title like Pollies On Extremely Thin Ice . Ms Wolf had to make several secret flights to Alaska to negotiate the deal with Palin . Unfortunately, the airline service to Alaska is like that in the NT and she often found flights cancelled without notice due to volcanic eruptions, vicious Republican flak and lost luggage or had to share a row of seats with tanked Darwin yobs.

According to an icy pop licking spin doctor , the grand scheme to change Alice to Alaska has been released early to help Centralians get over the deep depression caused by not being visited by the Crusty Demons.

Ice making machines will be flown in from Dubai to coat the MacDonnell Ranges so that Alice-now Alaska- will offer year - round skiing holidays for beautiful people. Standley Chasm will be converted into a glacier made from frozen water extruded from the town sewage treatment plant.

Alice Springs police will wear new uniforms designed by the NT Police Association , similar to that of the Canadian Mounties , with lemon squeezer hats and be given a generous after hours maple syrup allowance . Tennant Creek has not been forgotten in the grand plan to bring back the ice age. As Tennant used to be called Siberia , the government is looking at setting up an enviro- tourism attraction like a high class gulag in the town.

NEWSFLASH: So that residents north of the Berrimah Line do not feel left out in the heat, Norwegian Olympic ice skating champ Sonja Henie will give a demonstration of her skills on a walking frame in a special rink set up in Darwin's convention centre.

WEB OF MADNESS ON WATERFRONT

WASHINGTON .- A nasty diplomatic incident has developed between Australia and America over the killing of a Yankee black widow spider somewhere on Darwin’s waterfront. Readers will recall our exclusive report in which we said a fisherman said he had seen a nasty looking black widow spider somewhere on the Darwin waterfront.

Instead of bunging the spider in a pickle bottle so that it could be positively identified, he , sadly, stomped on it . Furthermore, he reckons he has seen other creepy crawly critters like it in the port precinct . Alarmingly , he said he would exterminate all further black widows he sees crawling about the place with his long barrel Dirty Harry special.


The powerful American Society for Protection of Spiders (ASPS) was outraged when it read Little Darwin’s account of the black widow slaughter. ASPS spokeswoman, Mary-Lou Funnel -Webb , complained to President Obama about the treatment of black widows Down Under.

Ms. Funnel-Webb demanded the president delay his trip to Australia until the NT Government guarantees the protection of all American exports, including black widows. Diplomatic sources say sensitive President Obama has been asked by ASPS to place a wreath on a special pollution , dust and spin free memorial on the Darwin waterfront as a tribute to the unknown squashed black widow.

POLICE NOT PUNCHING BAGS

The straight talking new NT Police Commissioner, John McRoberts, has said he does not intend to have his force made “ punching bags” by miscreanst in society. He made this statement in a well prepared speech delivered at the graduation parade for recruit squad 104/2009. Commissioner McRoberts told the 20 recruits he expected them to faithfully carry out their , at times, difficult duties according to law and the best of their skill . If they did so, they could be assured of his full support.