32 January 2014        Issue #02/14         Price : $33.47


Magnautic   Island   Times   Inter-galactic   Scoop

 GRUBZILLA HORROR : ROGUE GRUB RAZES ISLAND

By  Unexplained  Phenomena  Eyewitness  Reporter,  Peeby  Beeply

Alien  monster Grubzilla  devouring Magnautic  Island - exclusive photo taken by Vallis who is now missing in action,  believed  reduced  to fertiliser .  Pine trees  in this graphic shot are  30 metres  high , so  the  enormous  invader   is   taller  than  the  Empire State  Building , where  King Kong  used  to  swing  about,  and  growing  by  the  hour .  

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This reporter may have been the first man on the planet to watch Grubzilla, as it is now dubbed, heave its ghastly bulk off the Magnautic Island ferry while I was shaving on late Thursday morning – but that’s an informed guess, it could have been Wednesday. I was scraping off residual shaving foam, whiskers and traces of vomit when the monster appeared behind me in the  mirror.  

 

By a quirk of physical serendipity, the mirror was aligned with the rear view-mirror on my car and Miss Mitzi Bicuspid’s reflective sunglasses on the windowsill of her bedroom down the street, and it was via these engines of reflective imagery that I first saw the monster. After another heavy night’s news-gathering at various Island hostelries, this reporter (a neatly dressed man who resembles the Duck of Edinburgh)  was aghast to witness Grubzilla demolish various Island landmarks without warning by what can only be described as a grossly enlarged yet wizened Witchetty Grub, probably from outer space, in a really pissed-off mood.

 

 In a similar situation other reporters would have fled, but a similar situation being unavailable this reporter stood his ground by locking myself in the garden shed and calmly collecting all the insecticide, ant dust, plant spray and 2-4-5-T I could lay my hands on. Before your reporter had time to fearlessly hurl these chemicals at the Grub from Hell it moved on to attack our Island’s cultural attractions, a park bench and a snorkel trail, and worse, our beloved statue of Keith Packer embracing Warwick Fairfax. Nothing less than a cultural Armageddon threatens our citizens.

Missing  in action : Last  shot   of   petrifying  grub   taken  by   poor  Vallis  before   disappearing  without   trace .

Reports from the  slime front emphasize the creature is in a blind rage and cannot see out of its single eye. Early attempts to communicate with Grubzilla have failed. It seems to have limited intelligence and is driven by the need to hide in dark caves or holes. Observers have detected scars around its head, probably from earlier encounters with others of its species or large pipes. At one end its bulk is partly covered by a huge padded covering which looks extraordinarily like a jumbo-size Band Aid. Your reporter saw the creature attempt to enter a Male Toilet but having neither the 20 cent fee or the fingers to place a coin in the slot it trashed the building in frustration. Soon after, several houses were drenched with an evil-smelling liquid and the creature emitted a kind of sigh of relief.
 

ISLAND  THINK  TANK

 

All the best brains on the Island have formed a Think Tank to seek a solution to this apocalyptic problem. The  two members of the Think Tank issued the following statement 30  minutes ago from  their  bunker under  the  wine cellar at  Pepper’s Resort (warning, the text  contains  French revolutionary  language , banned in  Queensland , because  the peasants  might rise  up  ):

Allons enfants de la Patrie! Let us march to Glory.

This monster is no more than the equivalent of an over-developed Witchetty Grub mutated by pollutants and artificial sweeteners. Bitch-slap it with the ORGANIC vegetables from your gardens! Stick your ORGANIC carrots where the sun doesn’t shine!

Ram your ORGANIC marrows and cucumbers where none but the brave dare enter! Send it back to where it came from (believed to be Queanbeyan) with a cheer from the citizens of our cherished Island.

 

EDITORIAL (abridged and sanitised )

 By  Petter Blogulay, VC and pre-Walkley  Award.
 As promised ,The   Magnautic  Island   Times  will  provide  out of  this world and  out of  a  bottle  experiences  for  discerning   Australians   and  Ukrainian   readers . To  show you  that  I  am bent  in  various ways, here  is  a  literary   obsession  of  mine :

 

If Jules Verne was alive today he’d simply die of déjà  vu.  And if he had been a Magnautic Islander instead of a twisted little  French  fantasist  his books would have been  less alarmist and  more  to  do  with  real  life.

 

The arrival of Grubzilla, an apparently apocalyptic Beast, named by Horrie Bicuspid’s 8 –year-old adopted grandniece Madonna-Wavelength III,  did lack a quality of shock spectacular better seen in John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) and Zombies vs Cockneys (2011). The original Japanese monster Godzilla (1954) bears no resemblance to Grubzilla (2013) which is NOT a man dressed in a lizard suit.

This newspaper asks why Grubzilla has come to our Island when it would be more at home in a pub with the late Russ Hinze or wallowing in Loch Ness. Or does it have a political agenda? Before he was squashed to death on the footpath near the Sealink terminal, local identity Alfie Curmudgeon noted it wore a  tag with Simon Peter printed on  it. Why would it take the Biblical name of one of  JC’s disciples? And might it simply be an advertising stunt by the Magnautic  Island Citizens’ Council to attract tourists? Expect more brilliant  stories  and  offers of  free  firewood   for  summer  in  coming editions .

 

This astonishing  Grubzilla  scoop escaped  the attention of  the nearest mainland  newspaper, The  Gigglesville Bugle , where daily  editorial conferences   start  with  a  snort  of  laughing   gas.

SHIMMERING SEASCAPE

Vallis photograph.

WHY BALMAIN BOYS DON’T CRY

Former   NSW  Labor   Premier  (1976- 86)   and  National  ALP  President , Neville  Wran ,   told  the Street   Royal  Commission  in  1983   that    Balmain   boys  don’t  cry. He   had   attended  the Nicholson Street  Public  School , Balmain, before  going  on  to   Fort  Street  Boys’ High , Sydney  University  and   becoming a QC.

  A  rare   find  by  a  Little  Darwin  runner  in  North Queensland    may   explain  why   Balmain  kids are so stoic .  It  came  in   the  form of   the  1919  book, THE SCHOOL AND THE WORLD, by  Victor Gollancz and David  Somervell  (also  authors of  Political Education in  a Public School ),  published by  Chapman  and   Hall,  London.   Riddled  by  bookworm,  its  spine cover   missing , pages  foxed , bumped,  it  contained  the  Balmain Teachers’ College  Library  bookplate  and  numerous  library  stamps  throughout . And to  make it  more  interesting , inserted was  a  tram  ticket  for   tuppence  halfpenny.

The  book  once  belonged  to  a man who had  a   major  influence   in   Australian  teacher  education , Scottish  born and  educated   Professor  Alexander  Mackie, who  married  a  teacher;  it  is  signed by  him , with  the  date, 1919.      Furthermore , the  preface  carries the  pencilled  in  information that  the book was  donated 10/4/46  to  the Teachers  College , Balmain  ,  the  year  it  was  founded - perhaps  by  Mackie ?

Professor  Mackie  was  foundation  principal of  the newly established  Sydney Teachers’ College   from 1906  for  30  years concurrently from 1910  as   Professor of Education  at University of Sydney . In these two positions  he  strongly influenced the  academic  and  professional preparation of  NSW  teachers. In 1917 he co- edited  the magazine Schooling  and established  The Teachers’ College Press

In the preface of  the  above book,  the  authors  explained that  their  previous book  about  political education in public  school, written during  WW1,  had  attracted   a number of  critical reviews ,one  from the Westminster  Gazette  which asked if   the introduction of politics into  the school  curriculum  could open the way for  Prussianism  in its  most insidious form , the conscription of  educated   opinion. A  Church Times reviewer –virulently hostile- appeared  not  merely to dislike   their  educational  policy , but  to  blaspheme against  the very  idea of   a  liberal education.  Most  reviewers, however , had   given a  very warm  welcome to  the  general  policy of  the  book.

Chapters  in  the  above book  have  headings such  as  Captured  By  The State ; The Making of “Politicians ” ; Public Schools and  Freak Schools (ones  where “radicals” ,  pupils from  an "  intellectualist  atmosphere" attend   ;   Morality ; Religion ;  Curriculum  ;  The  Younger  Generation  and  the   Old.

Balmain  Boy  Neville  Wran  obviously took  to  politics  like a   duck  to  water . Last year, aged   85,  he  entered  a   home   for  the  aged   where   Gough  Whitlam  also  resides.  No  doubt  they  get  together  now and  again ...  who could  blame  them   for  shedding  a  tear  from  time  to  time ?

MONSTER EVENT OF THE YEAR

With  a  monstrous  government  in  Canberra  , we   think  it fitting  to  warn  our sensitive readers  that  we  have  an  epic  monster   story  which  will  scare the  pants  off  many.  It  may also cause some to question   the  sanity  of  all  connected with  this blog  and  the  shy  author of  the  exclusive  article  which will be  published  on January 32. We  have also  received strong  legal advice to  make it abundantly clear that  in  no way does  Magnautic  Island  represent  any  island now  alive  or dead , or infer that any  of  its  inhabitants are  suffering  from  algal  bloom . So ,stock up with  tranquillisers  and  brace yourself  for  this  edition  of   Australia's most  unusual  publication  as  it will be  a  sought after  collector's item, sold for a king's ransom  on e-bay and  going  for half  the  price  in Nigerian  back  alleys .

 

 

32 January 2014         Issue #02/14          Price: $33.47

Magnautic Island Times

MAJOR FIND IN THE GOLDEN HISTORY OF THE WORLD

Another  treasure  in  the  James Cook  University  Special Collections  library  in  Townsville  is   a  battered  minutes  book   which   contains  details  of   the May 22,  1890  meeting  at   which  it  was  decided   to  set  up  a  Stock Exchange  in  the   fabulously  rich   Queensland   goldmining   town   of   Charters   Towers.  On  Christmas  eve  1871, Aboriginal  stablehand, Juniper  Mosman,   found  a gold nugget   in  a creek while  searching  for  a  horse which  had   bolted . His  discovery  touched off  a massive  goldrush which turned Charters  Towers  into the  second  biggest  city outside   Brisbane ,with a  population of  30,000, and  65  pubs.

The   town  became  known  as  The  World  because  you  could get  anything you  wanted  there , so there was no need  to  travel  elsewhere   as  fine   buildings  sprang up   and   shops  offered   a wide range of commodities  and  services.   Fortunes  were  made and  lost  in what was  said to be the  richest  goldfield  in  the  nation, its grades  double that  of   Victorian  mines and  even 75 percent  higher  than  Kalgoorlie. Between  1871 and  1917, 6.6 million troy ounces of  gold  were  mined . One  prospector rode a  horse  on which  it  was   said  its  shoes  were  made of  gold. 

Heritage listed Stock Exchange today

The  minute book  lists  the  names of  the  foundation  members of   the   Stock Exchange  , the only one outside  capital cities.  Closed  in 1916  because of diminishing   returns  from  mining  and   greatly reduced  population, the  building is  now Heritage listed .  Today  the  Charters  Towers   area  is  again under close  scrutiny by   mining companies  and  old  records are  being scoured . In the  process , the  minute book , with  details of  the  meeting to  set up  the Stock Exchange   came  to  light ,  the  pages to  be  digitised .                                                                     

POLITICAL TEETHING PROBLEMS

Santa  surprised   by  delivering  this  set  of Red Fox Ink    wooden  POLI BLOCKS–Australian  Labor  Prime  Ministers-which  you  arrange  to  make   the  complete  body  of   either  Ben  Chifley, Gough  Whitlam , Bob Hawke, Paul  Keating, Kevin  Rudd  and  Julia  Gillard .  When a  seven- year- old   great –granddaughter  called , carrying  a  jar  with yet  another  tooth  which  had  fallen out , which she intended to cash in with the Tooth  Fairy,  she  was  keen to  arrange the  blocks.  Her   grandmother  started to  teach  her  the names of  the   PMs,  concentrating  on  their  faces. She  quickly  remembered  Ben Chifley  because she has  a  schoolmate called  Benjamin ; when it  came  to   Gough  Whitlam , she often  paused  until  grandma coughed –Gough!- Whitley? No.– Whitling ?  ;  it  became easy  to identify  Bob Hawke in the line out  because  grandma  flapped  her  wings  like a  bird of prey ; in the case of Paul Keating , she  got his  surname  mixed  up –Keatley? Julia   Gillard  was  easily  identified as  was  Kevin  O 7 , because he was  wearing a  T-shirt with the message .

A  message  on the  package  said the creator  was tempted  to include both of  Kevin’s faces  but  then Ben  would  have   missed out .   The  great  Ben Chifley  would  almost  certainy turn out the light on the hill  if he were  alive today, not wanting  to   ignite  the   explosive   smell   wafting    across  the   nation   from  the party  in   NSW .

FEEDING THE WEIRD DARWIN IMAGE–Continuing biog of Crusading Editor ,” Big Jim” Bowditch .

Reporter  Keith G. Willey  used to  string  for southern newspapers and magazines and knew a good story when he saw one.  He  got  maximum mileage  out of  offbeat  stories  both  in  Darwin and down south.  Letters  to  the editor of the Northern Territory News  , supposedly written  by  people  down south,  especially one   person  from  a  suburb of  Melbourne , saying  that  Territorians were  weird or  lacking in social graces,  sounded  suspiciously like  the work  of   one  K. G. Willey. They  sparked  colourful responses  from  indignant locals

For  example, criticism of  Darwin barmaids to the effect that they were less than perfect  and that  Darwin men were sloppy dressers and  should wear suits  were  milked for all they were  worth.  Keith wrote a  poem  in  defence of barmaids serving up  foaming amber fluids  .  An  obituary he penned  about an alcoholic Darwin  bank dog who went on  the   dry , refrained   from  going  to   the   pub ,  and   died  was   a  classic . 

 Keith came across many a yarn   in pubs at night  and  took notes on  pieces of  newspaper , beer coasters  or anything  else that he could find .  Arriving at  work  the  following  morning , he  would  decipher his  notes,  putting   the  bits and  pieces  together  like  a  jigsaw  puzzle.  His  book, Eaters of the Lotus, was filled with  colourful stories  about  larger than  life  people  engaged in   odd   and unusual  events   in   North Australia .

 

Often he  sat in the Vic Hotel  just gazing into  the  depths of  his  glass  of  beer  as  if  musing about the  meaning of life ; at times he would  recite snatches of  The  Rubaiyat of Omar Khyayyam.  There  was a stressful time when Willey thought  he h ad  discovered  gemstones. 

 

During  a  trip to the Daly River he found red stones  in the wash  and  thought, hoped, they  were  valuable.   He sent  his wife  to  Adelaide with samples of the  stones  and  paced the  NT  News office  impatiently waiting  for Lee to  ring .  He confided  to  colleagues  that he  had found these red looking stones  which when held to the sun  could  easily  be  rubies.  “God, woman, ring !” Keith  said , gesturing  at the office phone .  Alas, a jeweller  informed  Lee  the stones were  carnelian , a  semi precious gemstone , an entire bagful not worth much .

 

Due to his  interest in swimming ,Willey campaigned  to have the town’s dilapidated  saltwater pool at   Lameroo Beach  repaired.   In a report  he wrote   about  Lameroo  there  were  two photos  of  him, one showing him  holding  his  nose  because of  the  stench.

 

 Willey  also thought up and became  the editor  of a  quarterly publication The Territorian  , official  organ of the Cattlemen’s Association of  North Australia  and the  NT  Game  Shooters’ Association,  which  was  printed and published by   the  NT News every two months .[This caused the demise of Glenville Pike’s North  Australian Monthly which  had run for  12 years.]

 GINGER  PALMER'S  DIARY

 

Lawyer  Dick Ward  gave  Willey the  diary of a swashbuckling   rogue  , “ Ginger “  Palmer , who  was found hanging by  his  belt in  the Darwin  lockup . There were conflicting  stories  about   Palmer’s origins . Some said he was  Australian . Another account maintained  he had been a  ship’s carpenter  in the   British Navy and  had  served at  Gallipoli, but did not  go ashore.  In  the Territory he was often in  trouble  with  police and  at one stage  was ordered out  of the  Territory , retreating  to  Thursday Island .

The diaries told how  Palmer once stole a  45ft long ketch   from Cairns , set his accomplices adrift , sailed to the  Dutch East  Indies where he  dodged  Dutch authorities , killed  many  people, some with axes ,  and  sired   several children before being captured and brought back to Australia.

He changed his name and returned  to the  Territory.  An Aboriginal woman  saved him from drowning   when he was  attacked by a crocodile .  As a reward , he  subsequently  left her on  sandbank to die, but she was rescued by other Aborigines.  A detective  told this  writer  that   Palmer was “ an  evil   old  bastard  ” .  Near the end of his life , he  lived in a camp at Shoal Bay , not far from Darwin.  I was taken to  meet  him in 1958. Palmer slept on   the  frame of an iron bed without a mattress and reeked of rum.  In  the mangroves nearby  was  a  large  dugout canoe .  Appearing   drunk in  court in Darwin , he  said his name was  Sutton , not Palmer.   Willey  ran  Palmer’s   diary in  the  book  Naked Island & Other South  Sea Tales. NEXT :  Exceptional  News  stories