Pray that you never have a snake this big, a recently devoured deer inside its body, in your toilet or shower.
There are serpents galore in Australia. Some - not many- are found in the bush. Most appear to be located in inconvenient indoor places. Little Darwin’s intrepid columnist / illustrator/ part-time snake charmer , Peter Burleigh, recently back from a safari through a large part of the outback , compiling his much applauded Bulldust Diary , did not have one close encounter with a local Joe Blake or an illegally imported highly venomous African Black Mamba. The subject of snakes arose between us when he said he hoped that the Federal government budget did not cut its health appropriation for the Territory as, by reading Little Darwin , and emails I sent him I sounded snakey, in need of medication and showing signs of becoming increasingly troppo. Being a literate smarty pants , he mentioned that hydra-headed lady, Medusa.
I responded by telling him about the large King Brown snake I had in my toilet in the wilds of Nightcliff . On a dark and ominous night , the grogs (mean frogs ) in the loo on the back verandah , where the Nightcliff School now stands , began shrieking . Coiled up in the bottom of the bowl was a whopper King Brown, plucking the frogs off from under the lip. I nervously chopped at the snake with a spade but it back flipped, as they say in politics, and disappeared down the U bend ! I had knocked a piece of porcelain out of the bowl, and it began to leak.
Trembling with fear , I stood guard over the toilet for a long time armed with the shovel and the snake suddenly popped up like the monster from the Black Lagoon . Another chop was also unsuccessful and another piece of porcelain fell out resulting in a scene from the sinking of the Titanic . Next day , after doing some first aid on the toilet bowl with the help of sticking plaster , I put burning rags down the septic tank outlet but did not see any sign of the snake. Fortunately, for me and the district , the gas inside the septic tank did not explode .
Some days later, when I was at work, the nervous frogs began screaming again and there was a large King Brown draped over the poorly patched toilet . My ever loving Judy sought the help of an unfortunate , skinny council worker outside on the road . His eyes popped and he turned green on spotting the snake , but bravely managed to clobber it with a shovel after it stood up and threw itself at him .
Despite being a scholar and a gentleman, Burleigh , can be uncouth in his expressions, and responded to my saga by saying a toilet was the perfect habitat for a King Brown to scare the shit out of you. Then he enthusiastically describing his own in house snake encounter which he said was also an example of male nobility in the face of death.
The island on which he lives with his Judi , he explained, is a breeding ground for red-bellied Black Snakes. On some days you'll see three or four of them. The adults are as thick as your wrist and about 2 metres long. “They must fornicate like rabbits, because at the end of the season there are little ones everywhere. In New South Wales all snakes are protected. Certain people in the State Government must think they are cuddly.”
Burleigh's Black Snake which on closer inspection by our office herpetologist said looks suspiciously like a fearsome Black Mamba .
I responded by telling him about the large King Brown snake I had in my toilet in the wilds of Nightcliff . On a dark and ominous night , the grogs (mean frogs ) in the loo on the back verandah , where the Nightcliff School now stands , began shrieking . Coiled up in the bottom of the bowl was a whopper King Brown, plucking the frogs off from under the lip. I nervously chopped at the snake with a spade but it back flipped, as they say in politics, and disappeared down the U bend ! I had knocked a piece of porcelain out of the bowl, and it began to leak.
Trembling with fear , I stood guard over the toilet for a long time armed with the shovel and the snake suddenly popped up like the monster from the Black Lagoon . Another chop was also unsuccessful and another piece of porcelain fell out resulting in a scene from the sinking of the Titanic . Next day , after doing some first aid on the toilet bowl with the help of sticking plaster , I put burning rags down the septic tank outlet but did not see any sign of the snake. Fortunately, for me and the district , the gas inside the septic tank did not explode .
Some days later, when I was at work, the nervous frogs began screaming again and there was a large King Brown draped over the poorly patched toilet . My ever loving Judy sought the help of an unfortunate , skinny council worker outside on the road . His eyes popped and he turned green on spotting the snake , but bravely managed to clobber it with a shovel after it stood up and threw itself at him .
Despite being a scholar and a gentleman, Burleigh , can be uncouth in his expressions, and responded to my saga by saying a toilet was the perfect habitat for a King Brown to scare the shit out of you. Then he enthusiastically describing his own in house snake encounter which he said was also an example of male nobility in the face of death.
The island on which he lives with his Judi , he explained, is a breeding ground for red-bellied Black Snakes. On some days you'll see three or four of them. The adults are as thick as your wrist and about 2 metres long. “They must fornicate like rabbits, because at the end of the season there are little ones everywhere. In New South Wales all snakes are protected. Certain people in the State Government must think they are cuddly.”
Burleigh's Black Snake which on closer inspection by our office herpetologist said looks suspiciously like a fearsome Black Mamba .
His truly blood curdling experience, described in a graphic email,went thus : “ One morning I went into our bathroom and found one , above , curled up on the tiles. It had climbed the steps to our deck, proceeded about 15 metres along the deck and into the open door. Lucky the door from the bathroom to the bedroom was closed!
“ My first ,as usual, reaction was to go get the faithful shotgun, charge it with extra-long-range armour-piercing cartridges and blow the snake to pieces. A part of my non-Tarzan mind stopped me. What would be the consequences to the floor tiles, the shower screen, the mirrors and the toilet should I open fire? And would I be peppered with ricochets? Hmmm.
“Another look at the snake, which seemed quite relaxed and at home on our expensive imported tiles, showed it wasn't exactly big, being about 400mm long, but who was to say I wasn't in mortal danger? Should I whack it with an axe? A shovel? A sledgehammer? No. Too much damage again, and snake blood sprayed over the walls. I could have leaped on it and strangled it with my bare hands, but the risk of leaving Judi with no one to take care of was too great. I decided to use a kitchen broom. A small one.
“The snake panicked. I panicked. It had thought I was a friend. It slithered quickly towards my feet, then changed direction. I may have screamed. It squeezed itself through a gap and into a cupboard. Using the broom , I got the door open and pulled the contents out onto the floor, most of which probably would have to be destroyed in the process of terminating the vicious serpent. Finally, the snake was revealed cowering in the corner of the cupboard. I whacked it a few times to stun it in accordance with humane abattoir practices, pulled it out and pounded it into oblivion. I understood how Norman Bates must have felt in Psycho. I thought better of leaving its corpse and its blood on the floor to impress Judi and took a few photos instead (attached) .It wasn't funny at the time.
“ I've forwarded this email to Judi (is it a coincidence that each of us has a beloved appendage of the same name?) so she will be reminded of how deeply courageous I can be, and what hazards can befall househusbands.”
Burleigh’s typically colourful PS: “ Off the record, red-bellied Black Snakes are barely poisonous. There is no record of any human fatality from a Black Snake bite. They are probably as human-friendly as any snake can be, except a plastic snake you buy in K-mart. When I tell this story I generally suppress this fact.”
“ My first ,as usual, reaction was to go get the faithful shotgun, charge it with extra-long-range armour-piercing cartridges and blow the snake to pieces. A part of my non-Tarzan mind stopped me. What would be the consequences to the floor tiles, the shower screen, the mirrors and the toilet should I open fire? And would I be peppered with ricochets? Hmmm.
“Another look at the snake, which seemed quite relaxed and at home on our expensive imported tiles, showed it wasn't exactly big, being about 400mm long, but who was to say I wasn't in mortal danger? Should I whack it with an axe? A shovel? A sledgehammer? No. Too much damage again, and snake blood sprayed over the walls. I could have leaped on it and strangled it with my bare hands, but the risk of leaving Judi with no one to take care of was too great. I decided to use a kitchen broom. A small one.
“The snake panicked. I panicked. It had thought I was a friend. It slithered quickly towards my feet, then changed direction. I may have screamed. It squeezed itself through a gap and into a cupboard. Using the broom , I got the door open and pulled the contents out onto the floor, most of which probably would have to be destroyed in the process of terminating the vicious serpent. Finally, the snake was revealed cowering in the corner of the cupboard. I whacked it a few times to stun it in accordance with humane abattoir practices, pulled it out and pounded it into oblivion. I understood how Norman Bates must have felt in Psycho. I thought better of leaving its corpse and its blood on the floor to impress Judi and took a few photos instead (attached) .It wasn't funny at the time.
“ I've forwarded this email to Judi (is it a coincidence that each of us has a beloved appendage of the same name?) so she will be reminded of how deeply courageous I can be, and what hazards can befall househusbands.”
Burleigh’s typically colourful PS: “ Off the record, red-bellied Black Snakes are barely poisonous. There is no record of any human fatality from a Black Snake bite. They are probably as human-friendly as any snake can be, except a plastic snake you buy in K-mart. When I tell this story I generally suppress this fact.”
MR HISSY UPDATE : Arnhem Nursery's longtime resident python has moved on and become a hoon , living in an old car body at a new location, dining out on tasty possums .
Mr Hissy once scared an electrician and was involved in a wrestling match with a snake handler and hippy, hippy, shake ! ABC gardening commentator, Kerry Byrnes, in the ceiling of the nursery. Unfortunately, that tussle was not captured on film.
