DARWIN HOSPITAL POWER PLAY

It was yet another one of those strange days at the Royal Darwin Hospital.  Fittingly enough , our man,  Cyclops , a certified and registered one - eyed political reporter, above , attended to have an eye looked at . He arrived just after the mercury hit the highest temperature for 36 years to find the hospital on CODE YELLOW because of a power blackout which knocked out most of the lifts . Waiting outside the eye clinic was a real eye-opener  in more ways than one .

As noted before , there were small triangular signs at the ceiling warning of asbestos above . But, noticed for the first time, were similar small signs stating that there was asbestos in the vinyl on the floor . A poor old codger , in a wheelchair, wearing hospital pyjamas , sat waiting and coughing outside the eye clinic. A person who knew him came along and asked him what he was doing . He replied that he was waiting to go into the clinic , but it had taken two and half hours to get down because the  lifts were not working.

A large blowfly then made a dramatic entrance ; it crawled up and down the wall , flew into the clinic reception office, ran along the partition without any of the four people in there noticing it , then , for some strange reason , possibly body odour ? , dive  bombed Cyclops and disappeared down the corridor.

Gazing about the corridor, Cyclops spotted what looked like thick black mould on one of the grubby- looking ceiling tiles opposite the eye clinic reception and the adjoining pre admission area. On the notice board were the usual health leaflets that you would expect covering matters related to eyes and patient rights , plus a few other puzzling ones . There was one , with prices,  for Lisa’s Beauty (waxing and massage ) and an advertisement for a used Pajero. A  rather frightening poster seemed to imply you could pass on an eye disease which could make your nearest and dearest look like the Pinocchio family with elongated noses . Is this some kind of glaucoma mutation that has been kept secret ?

From time to time ,  announcements were made over the PA about the Code Yellow situation : one lift was working ; the engineer had traced the problem to a switchboard ;  all power had been restored to the main wards block...all lights went out for a few seconds, there were cheers. A pregnant woman had to work down eight flights of stairs , according to one  report .

Cyclops experienced another power outage on a previous, recent visit to RDH .On that occasion he obtained an unexpected starring role in the horror movie BIRTH OF FRANKENSTEIN ... and could not help laughing. Apart from obviously missing a few marbles, there was no bolt through his neck . He ventured to RDH to have a barium enema ,clad in a skimpy hospital gown , and scanned in 57 positions ; time and time again he was instructed to roll over as if on a rotisserie , in the process exposing his unsightly derriere – not his best profile ( hopefully staff get danger money on such occasions) . It was decided to shoot him from below , standing erect , the platform elevated . Wrapped in the flimsy hospital gown , he was standing up there, coyly, like David, in all his glory, watched by no less than five female members of staff .

The machine suddenly went clunk! There he was , on high, the capsule not responding to NASA control . He could be lost in space , floating about with the Red Dwarf for the rest of his days , his wife keeping watch with binoculars on clear nights , every Leap Year . Cables were checked , he was told to hang onto the side , and two of the staff were instructed to stand in front of him in case he collapsed like a deckchair or had the mad desire to dive into the mosh pit . Somebody went out of the theatre to try and find out why the scanner had ground to a halt. The Russians may have been alerted to crank up a spare Sputnik rocket to rescue him . The message came through that there had been a power surge in Darwin . Eventually, he was brought back to terra firma and soon after deposited some Moon rocks in a nearby closet .

Then , on another visit to RDH, Cyclops was involved in another incident . It was announced over the PA that there was a fire and doors were being shut . A wise Aboriginal woman asked if it was just another exercise or  a  real fire . A large security man was seen dashing out the front door, so it looked as if it was the genuine article . There was talk of something having  happened on the fourth floor . No smoke could be seen . Quite some time later, the rotund security man hove into view again followed by fireman and opened up a lift. A patient voiced the opinion that you were not supposed to use lifts in a fire , so took to the stairs .

MEMO NEW HOSPITAL BOARD : Arm the eye clinic with a cheap fly swatter ; clean those dirty looking ceilings and examine the mould which may be breeding penicillin or Golden Staph. There are  many systems  within  the hospital which need  eyeballing .

NORTHERN WILDLIFE UNDER THREAT

In  a defensive stance against a dog on Magnetic Island, Queensland, this Curlew is luckier than several of its kind seen dead on roads in Darwin , NT, this week . Roadkill is  a problem on the island . A large number of Kite Hawks have also died in  Darwin of  late, the  cause not absolutely clear .  Cane toads have been responsible for the  demise of many Territory lizards  and other  animals  .  Good news is that the recent annual count of Torres Strait Pigeons in North Queensland was  high , around 20,000.   After recent cyclones, the count had  dropped to about 2500 . The  pigeons  are evident in Darwin suburbs now.

THE ACTRESS AND THE IMPECUNIOUS DOCTOR

An unusual story of actresses , stage door Johnnies , early life in Western Australia , African witchcraft , a vivid account of the evacuation of wounded troops from  Dunkirk in WW11 , London under the German blitz and condemnation of the British National Health Service Bill emerged in an investigation prompted by a book  discovered in Adelaide in the l980s. Published in 1946 , it is an author’s presentation copy of NINETY-NINE AND ALL THAT , by Frederick Kaigh , the nom-de-plume of Dr Gerald Baeyertz Kirkland , eventually married to a famous British musical comedy actress, Jose Collins, who suicided in January 1959 , a month after she died . There is a newspaper cutting , above , taped  in which contains details of the suicide.

The front free endpaper contains the following inscription , To Jose , with every possible good wish , Frederick Kaigh , 1947 . On the same page , penned in a different hand , is Witchcraft & Magic of Africa by Frederick Kaigh , followed by Dr Kirkland in brackets. There is another name , possibly Mr Kirkland , Loughton, Essex , 20/3/50. In respect of the book dealing with Witchcraft and Magic in Africa , a reviewer said it was a rather strange work , one which took as its premise that modern science could not explain everything about African witchcraft – “ perhaps this can be explained partly by the fact that Dr Kirkland wrote this hoping to stave off bankruptcy, so a certain amount of sensationalism would help sales.”

Gerald Kirkland was about seven when his father , a London surgeon born in New Zealand, took the family to Perth, WA, early in the 20th century. The autobiographical book NINETY-NINE AND ALL THAT described Perth society as snobbish ,his father getting about in an early Oldsmobile . There is also mention of an incident when the WA governor was brought home by his father to find seven nude children romping about the house . Returning to England, Gerald became a doctor himself , spent time in Africa , became entranced by the actress Jose Collins , at one stage unsuccessfully proposing  marriage to her when he was a medical student  , and served as a military doctor during WW11 .

Jose came from a theatrical family . He mother , born London 1866 , with the stage name of "Lottie Collins," performed a skipping rope dance when she was 11 , and became a well known "Naughty Nineties" singer and dancer , famous for a bump and grind routine while she sang Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay! Married three times, Lottie Collins died in l910 , aged 44, her early demise attributed by some to her strenuous stage performances.

Her daughter,  Charlotte  Josephine Collins  - "Jose "- born in l893 , also became famous as a singer , actress and a star of early Hollywood movies . The great Caruso is said to have played a part in her singing career . Like her mother, she married three times . With her first husband , Leslie Chatfield , she sailed to New York in 1911 . A write up in the New York Times said Chatfield , son of a colonel of a company of Hussars in the Boer War  was also nephew of Admiral Chatfield of the British Navy and  owned “sheep ranches” in Australia. He  had met Jose when she was  performing at the Alhambra , London.  One  report claimed  that in  New York  she met her father for the first time- Jose Van den Berg , conductor of a New York orchestra and director of an opera company. One of  the  Gaiety Girls , she was highly popular in the US.  In her heyday,  Jose had received a much as $3000 a week , but she led the high life and spent recklessly.

Back in England , Jose Collins was  acclaimed for her singing part as the gypsy in Maid of the Mountains which struck an accord with couples separated during WW1 . In particular , the song Love Will Find A Way touched the hearts of many in those difficult days. Jose’s autobiography was entitled Maid of the Mountains. Australian soprano , Gladys Moncrieff , also achieved fame through Maid of the Mountains . Jose’s second marriage in 1920 was to Lord Robert Edward Innes-Ker (brother of Henry John Innes-Ker, 8th Duke of Roxburghe), which ended in divorce in l935.  She and  Dr Kirkland  married  the  following  year, he having been wedded before ;  during WW11, when he was a  major, she worked voluntarily in  hospitals  where  he  was stationed .

Near the end of the book Ninety-Nine And All That , Dr Kirkland describes a lunch at Kettner’s, in Soho, first opened as a restaurant by Auguste Kettner, (chef to Napoleon III) in 1867. It provided discreet salons particulieres , was popular with Oscar Wilde, Edward VII, Lillie Langtry, Agatha Christie and Bing Crosby, renowned for incredible parties. Those present included Jose Collins, filmstar Anna Neagle , music hall and variety theatre singer , Clarice Mayne , her husband , Teddy Knox , part of the original Crazy Gang , Mrs Herbert Wilcox and her film producer husband (Neagle later married Herbert Wilcox and saved him from bankruptcy) , an American two- star general , and others .  Late in life, Jose and  Dr Kirkland  lived in St. Olave’s , High Road, Loughton , Essex.

The couple were renowned for doing a local pub crawl , regailing entranced listeners with stories of Jose’s fabulous life. They would totter off home to St Olave’s. Short of money , the house mortgaged over and over , an annuity to Jose from Lord Curzon a real lifeline . A month after Jose died, Dr Kirkland, 61, declared bankrupt in l954 as Jose’s health was declining , gassed himself. At the inquest , Derek Kirkland , an engineer, said he had last seen his brother in a distraught state after Miss Collin’s funeral. His brother had financial worries and was ludicrously generous. It was impossible for him not to dispense largesse to anyone who came along , he added. A typed, unsigned suicide note was found in which suicide was referred to in a “disparaging way.”

A blue plaque was placed on St Olave’s marking the fact that the famous actress had lived there. When the building was demolished it was replaced by a block of flats called Collins Court. In the year 2000, the Loughton and District Historical Society ran a paper by Dr Donald Pohl about Jose and Dr Kirkland in which they were likened to , in their own way, as great a couple of lovers as were Antony and Cleopatra, and just as tragic. Dr Pohl ended the talk thus :

Now you know the story behind the blue plaque – stardom, love, ridicule and double bankruptcy. Spare a moment when you pass to ponder and think about the fame, the love and the tragedy that lies behind it. And always remember, as José herself reminded us, that “Love Will Find A Way”.

JULIAN ASSANGE IN SENSATIONAL ESCAPE TO PACIFIC ISLAND PARADISE

More famous and thirstier than the Ancient Mariner , Little Darwin’s acclaimed columnist / illustrator , Peter Burleigh , captured Admiral Assange , above , in full regalia , preparing for his journey to exotic Magnetic Island , now part of Ecuador.*

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LONDON: In an audacious overnight move, Ecuador claimed sovereignty over Magnetic Island , North Queensland , and appointed Julian Assange its governor , with the rank of Admiral of the Fleet and Communications Minister . On the island , the brave WikiLeaks founder will also be responsible for planning Fourth of July Celebrations , Schoolies Week , Full Moon Party Landings , dredging the safe harbour , concreting the Nelly Bay foreshore and investigating Alma Bay cane toad race fixing allegations following a suggestion that one of the jockeys bet against himself in  the  recent Melbourne Cup.

With so many fancy titles , Admiral Assange has automatic diplomatic immunity and will be allowed to leave the Ecuadorean Embassy here in the Queen’s Coronation coach , waving to the cheering throng on his way to Heathrow for the VIP flight to the Magnetic Island international airport. The Queen has graciously given Admiral Assange one of her favourite Corgis- Regal Crusty Pommie Pork Pie- to act as a drug sniffer dog at the island’s ferry terminal . In the Ecuadorian capital, Quito, it was announced that ancient maritime maps prove that the explorer and legendary national hero , Captain Alberto Santamaria , sailed a  balsa raft to the mysterious South Land in l450 and came ashore at what is now the Scotch Thistle infested nudist beach on Magnetic Island . In those days the isle was known as New Noosa, occupied by chanting,  fat - bellied men , members of a weird cargo cult , who got about in white footwear.

Captain Santamaria bought New Noosa for twice the amount the Dutch paid Indians for Manhattan Island . Then he proudly took possession of the island for Ecuador . The island was overrun by pesky koala bears at the time , so Captain Santamaria caged hundreds of them and took them home on the raft and started a Kentucky Fried Koala franchise , which made him fabulously rich . With the passage of time, the fact that Ecuador owned New Noosa became lost , until just last week .

On hearing this information , the current Ecuadorian leader , President Rafael Correa , a man of action , who,  unlike Australian politicians ,  tolerates no nonsense from the  abusive local media in his country , realised that he had the answer to the Julian Assange embassy siege in London. He ordered the immediate annexation of Magnetic Island. As Julian once lived on Magnetic Island with his mother, he is delighted to be able to return in triumph, wearing a uniform from Madame Tussauds extensive wardrobe.

 Little Darwin will  provide startled readers with further exclusive details of Julian Assange’s top  secret and dynamic plans for this  new part of  Latin America . With his big picture view of the world, Admiral Assange is expected to transform the entire nearby feeble Queensland economy, on the brink of being flogged off to a Spanish pawn shop or a Japanese scrapmetal dealer.

* Peter Burleigh recommends the www.cagle.com website which specialises in political cartoons and commentary , highlighting the fabulous work of Taylor Jones , wearer of a French type beret, renowned for his caricatures, cartoons and editorial illustrations . A veteran illustrator himself, Burleigh is a movie buff as well and points out that Admiral Assange’s uniform is like the one Gregory Peck wore in the l950s playing the part of Captain Hornblower , RN.

STOP PRESS : PALMER BACKS ASSANGE!!!

Prominent Queensland businessman , Clive Palmer, has heartily endorsed the news that Magnetic Island has been taken over by Ecuador and will be governed by Admiral Assange. In an exclusive interview , carried out in a cone of silence so that the CIA could not hear, Big Clive said he would strongly urge Ecuador to also annex Moreton Bay ,  the Gold  Coast  and Kingaroy to save Queensland from being ruined by the Infidel. Palmer also  offered Admiral Assange the use of his luxury yacht , SS Titanic, as a gunboat to protect Magnetic Island from unwashed backpackers , the Townsville City Council and a Bay of Pigs invasion . Plans for a massive dinosaur theme park have also been drawn up by  Palmer  for  Picnic Bay on Magnetic Island and will be put before Admiral Assange for his stamp of approval.

THE CASE OF THE MISSING CASE

As the long running Shirley Collins case was due to be heard  in Darwin in another telephone hook up between Perth and Canberra , I attempted to check on the Federal Magistrates Court website . No listing could be found, I went to the court site in  Mitchell Street and there was no access , no  sign of activity, no list indicating the court was sitting that very day.

A notice said inquiries could be  made on the first floor .  Stepping out of the lift, I found  myself in a tranquil  area –somebody reading a newspaper down the far end , their back towards me. At the  glass panelled area right in front of me was a sign indicating you  pressed a button for attention . As I waited , I noticed what looked like all the animals out of Sesame Street and a few other shows were sitting on top of cupboards. For a  time I thought I had stepped into  Wally World , a  set  for Toy Story  X  or  a  branch of  Disneyland soft  mechandising .   I told the  attendant that there was supposed to be a court case involving Shirley Collins downstairs but the place was closed up . Was it a Family Court matter? No. The computer was consulted , but it said, No .

At one stage I was asked what was the date of birth of  this Shirley Collins . Somewhat surprised, I said I was a reporter wanting to cover the case and did not know her date of  arrival on the  planet. Further consultation within the inner sanctum took place , and it was discovered that yes indeed , the case was to be heard that  morning .  Downstairs , later on , a security man arrived and announced he had only just been told about the case . I went through the security check and sat down outside the courtroom , noticing a large tissue sitting on top of the nearby rubbish bin .

On a previous visit to the same area , mossies flitted about ; they were not evident on this occasion. When the hook up was made, there was no indication who was  this person, presumably a magistrate, speaking from Perth. In future hearings it would be good if  it was  announced to  one and all at the outset  who is presiding over the   distant bench . No  members of the local media were present, but you never know what might happen in the future . As it turned out, on this occasion, the case was adjourned to December 17 , after an additional order for court costs of  $264 , the spirit of Xmas evident.

As explained in great detail  by Little Darwin, Ms Collins,  former head of Raintree Aboriginal Art Gallery , Darwin, was ruined by her involvement in the  Bank of America Down Under Tour of the US in the lead up to the Sydney Olympics. With it being stated that Ms Collins had been made the scapegoat  for the  mistakes and misinformation of others in high places , she now is seeking an act of grace payment from the Federal government , fighting the rejection by a Canberra public servant, Dr Guy Verney , in the Department of Finance, of her application , claiming he acted as both case manager and case decider , contrary to the guidelines.

[ A former NT Administrator, Charles Aubrey Abbott , was granted a grace in favour payment by Prime Minister Menzies because he was short of money late in life ; he was also given a free state funeral . The NT Dictionary of Biography states that the Abbotts were snobbish and that Administrator Abbott classified Darwin’s population into four groups , permanent residents described as not having a mentality of a very high standard]. Darwin solicitor  James Matthews is representing Ms. Collins   pro bono .- ( Peter Simon )

ABBOTT CAUGHT SHORT IN PYTHON BATTLE

To counter all the publicity given to those enterprising Kiwis over the world premiere of The Hobbit movie in Wellington, Canberra staged an Aussie version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. In the last week of Federal parliament, PM Julia Gillard strode into the bearpit armed with a claymore , wearing a blouse patterned like chain mail that protected warriors in the Dark Ages beneath one of her short length jackets detested by Germaine Greer , which , however, enables the fearless First Lady to quickly mount a passing warhorse. Intent on blocking her passage across the Molongolo Bridge, was the Black Knight, Tony Abbott, and his motley crew of camp ( as in bivouac) followers, including gimlet-eyed Julie Bishop , Adelaide soup kitchen plate licker , Christopher Pyne , and Puffin’ Joe Hockey, believed to be a member of the arthritic Wollstonecraft Mob . In his bid to secure the Holy Grail-the reins of political power- Abbott challenged Julia to a proxy sword fight . Tougher than the Iron lady, Margaret Thatcher, Julia was not for turning .Whack!-off came Abbott’s left arm . Saying it was but a scratch, cack -handed Abbott transferred his Wilkinson Sword , blessed by Archbishop Pell , to his right hand . Enjoying the fun, the PM then sliced up the Mad Monk as if he had fallen into a potato scallop making machine, reducing him to a quadruple amputee, wearing a g-string . In the uproar , somebody was called a thug , the Mad Monk threatened to bite off the PM’s legs , Brownwyn kept on trying to read from her black book , the Italian , Chinese and diabetic kids in the gallery sat there stunned . At the end of the bloody battle ,which resembled 1066 and All That ,the long suffering Speaker , Anna Burke , donned a pair of funny looking ears, and booked herself into a Rotorua sanatorium to take advantage of the soothing mud slinging therapy on offer for the duration of the parliamentary break. The coconuts  used to provide the  sound effects of galloping horses  will  be used in the next ABC  Kitchen Cabinet   Tv  series .

MUDDIMER MANSION UNDER THE HAMMER

For many years , Darwin  journalist and nudist , the  late  Dick Muddimer, above , lived in Philip Street , Fannie Bay . The property became  increasingly valuable and he said he had been offered large amounts of money by  developers to sell. He rejected all offers and said he had been branded anti- progressive , but he did not want to see the street ,which  he  regarded  with affection, full of  jammed up units. Now, under instructions from the Perpetual Trustee , the block  is to be auctioned on December 15 . It will be interesting to see how much it brings and what rises on the site. The  nextdoor neighbours on one side  are  former NT Administrator, Tom  Pauling , and his wife,Tessa,who  held  the wake for Muddimer . Little Darwin  is proud to have  retrieved,  from a dark storage shed in the rural area, the above  painting of  Muddimer  in a pose like an Aztec  sun worshipper , with  his  pet dog . It is now in the possession of a  woman who regarded  Dick with  affection . Truth be told , Dick  did not like the painting. *