MOZZIE DANGER AT HOWARD SPRINGS

In view of the second encephalitis death in Darwin and the Health Department’s sluggish public alert , consideration should be given to closing the Howard Springs nature walk and installing a large sign warning of the mozzie danger .

The l.8km walk is swarming with mozzies right now. People intent on taking the pleasant stroll have been sent packing , beating at the insects, some of which attach themselves like augers and become evident inside fleeing cars. While online information about Howard Springs conveys the tip to take insect repellent , the fact is that the mozzies there are so ferocious they bite through shirts , blouses , trousers. Spraying exposed body parts is not sufficient. Once you walk across the weir, after appreciating those whopper barramundi , intent on doing the delightful walk in the bush, you are in kamikaze territory.

ELLIS BOOK PRAISES CLARE MARTIN

Despite his bumbling, incoherent recent performance on the ABC’s Q and A , author Bob Ellis is undoubtedly a great national asset . His odd utterances during the debates made the quaint Young Liberal on a previous show ,unable to put a meaningful sentence together, seem like a clued- up Einstein Factor contestant with a special subject - waffling. His performance may be due to the fact that he seems to make frequent quick return car trips from Sydney to Canberra and work through the night to meet deadlines for plays, books and film scripts. It is to be hoped viewers not aware of the existence of ALP warhorse Ellis ( hard to believe ) are not put off reading his latest book And So It Went… Night Thoughts in a Year of Change , Viking , a Penguin imprint. Ellis is akin to the great American writer , Norman Mailer, who pummelled , prodded and punched his nation with great literary onslaughts of new journalism , combining actual events, autobiography, political and social commentary , history and poetry .

Ellis’s bumper book is masterful, informative, entertaining , full of political insights and despair . Somehow, it seems the NT media has completely overlooked the NT content . The relentless search for crocs, unidentified flying objects and g-strings apparently leaves little time for local scribes to read anything other than the police blotter and PR hand outs.

Former NT Chief Minister , Clare Martin, whom Ellis calls a brave Labor heroine, likening her to film star Deborah Kerr , rates several mentions , and he muses that she could have become Prime Minister. Martin’s successor , Paul Henderson , is described in the book as “ inept”.

Ellis uses strong and unusual language to describe the Howard intervention in the NT – the investigation of Aboriginal children dubbed Ar*se Prodders Without Borders. Martin “ the most effective female politician in Australia’s history”, is brought down by the child abuse issue , he writes; the disgraced Bob Collins and his suicide is also mentioned.

Also covered in detail is Kevin Rudd’s visit to the New York strip club avec the NY Post editor, Col Allan, son- in -law of the late NT News editor, Jim Bowditch, and Warren Snowdon, Member for Lingiari , with scathing comments about the media .

On hearing of Norman Mailer's death , Ellis wrote that the writer had influenced his own literary efforts in earlier years . Mailer also put the hard word on Germaine Greer and regretted not having done the same to Marilyn Monroe . This is a worthy tome to buy for $35 and never lend because the borrower will almost certainly fail to return it to you . Take it to dinner parties and barbies to both entertain and infuriate lotus eaters by reading passages in between drinks .

FIREMAN-SAVE MY HANDBAG !

PARIS .- Darwin firefighters are the toast of the fashion conscious French capital after giving the kiss of life to a runaway handbag . No sassy French woman would be seen dead without a handbag. The fact that brave Darwin firefighters tore up the CBD for a damsel whose clutch fell into the musty catacombs beneath the city is front page news in Le Monde and Le Figaro .

Paris even has a handbag museum , Le Musee des Sacs, and the firefighters who rescued the traumatised clutch will be entered in its Hall of Fame. The museum’s swinging PR officer , Fifi Le Bon Bon , praised the key part in the handbag rescue played by “Messieur Salty”, a firefighter she described as a true hero and a skilled artist . She said he deserved the Croix de Guerre and a Charles de Gaulle sloppy kiss on both cheeks. Fifi revealed every firefighter in Darwin will be presented with an expensive Louis Vuitton handbag as a reward.

Paris firefighters, who mostly rescue French Poodles from drains, have also invited their Darwin brothers to a study tour of France. During that learning slurp, the tough Froggies will teach mild - mannered Territory firemen how to throw bricks at gendarmes during strikes and the art of hosing down politicians in demonstrations.

French firefighters find it unbelievable that there has not been a revolution in Australia over the Rudd Government plan to extend the retirement age to 67. In France , the retirement age is 55 and the mere suggestion of tampering with this results in massive civil unrest equivalent to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.

NIPPON LUVS TERRITORY CASHIER

TOKYO.- In a high honour for the NT , the Japanese Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dolphins (SPCD) has asked Treasurer Delia Lawrie to be its roaming ambassador in the South Pacific. As such , she will have the SPCD logo – a bottle nosed dolphin which glows in the dark - tattooed on her forehead.

Crocodile Dundee star , Paul Hogan , is the only other Australian SPCD ambassador , his special dolphin tattoo in a part of his body where the Australian Taxation Office cannot possibly find it, even with the help of a laser lamp and waterboarding. Informed sources claim Hoges's dolphin is disguised as an overcooked prawn, with a dash of chilli sauce.

In Japan , the sick Japanese stockmarket Nikkei index jumped 1000 points after television reported the unusual fact that the NT Government has a Treasurer with a school of dolphins tattooed on her fiscally, well-balanced leg. The Japanese economy had been so sick that the government is now thinking of appointing a new treasurer,Madame Butterfly, with twin tattoos of hot air balloons on her thighs, to try and re- inflate business activity which has been looking like Pearl Harbour for yonks .

SPCD secretary ,Yoko Flipper, taped the news report about the NT Treasurer and called an extraordinary meeting of members , delighted to see a person in high office highlighting the plight of dolphins . They all agreed the Aussie treasurer was the next best thing to a double serving of sushi and should star in Baz Luhrmann’s next version of Australia .

At that gathering there was speculation about whether or not former Federal Treasurer , Peter Costello, has a tattoo of any sealife, perhaps a dolphin or a squid , on his person. However, the majority feeling was that the honourable gentleman has a live box jellyfish swimming around in his trackies , which accounts for his facial expressions . Or else tasty slivers of bamboo driven beneath his fingernails.

DARWIN CEMETERY NEEDS ATTENTION

Most people regard the letters R.I.P. as standing for Rest In Peace. When it comes to Darwin’s Pioneer Cemetery , Goyder Road , it currently means Rest In Prickles. The cemetery is infested with sharp grass seeds which attach to footwear in clumps and stick in feet, causing pain . The grass is particularly thick around the graves of Police Inspector Paul Foelsche and his wife . A variety of weeds is growing within the Foelsche plot which bears a placard saying it is maintained by the nearby Foelsche Masonic Lodge . Earlier this year , there was a special memorial service at the Foelsches’ grave attended by the Adminstrator ( in plaster) , the mayor, police commissioner , a bugler and mounted police .

Also surrounded by feral weeds is the tombstone of early Labor politician Tom Crush whose wife was the redoubtable Fannie Haynes of Brock’s Creek who inspired author Xavier Herbert . Nearby is the grave of John George Knight after whom Nightcliff is named. This important cemetery deserves better maintenance .

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THAR SHE BLOWS !

A new management investment company plans to start a lucrative whaling business based in Darwin’s new wave pool. Great Southern Moby Dick Inc. ( Bahamas), N.L., is offering great tax offsets and a lifetime supply of free whalebone corsets for Territory investors .

The head of the company, Captain Ahab , of Nantucket, hastened to point out that his outfit is not connected to Great Southern Toothpicks and Great Southern Dinky Toys which are in financial trouble and floundering about like fish out of water. Captain Ahab said his company’s offer of free whalebone corsets will be very attractive to Territory fatties, especially male businessmen and politicians.

Captain Ahab told Little Darwin there is a big Japanese market for whale blubber. He made a fortune when he cornered the ivory artificial limb market and branched out into global whaling. He envisages Darwin’s wave pool lifeguards moonlighting as whale spotters and flensers during the Wet. Killer whales will be introduced to the wave pool to help round up humpbacks as they did in the early days of whaling in Australia. Children of a nervous disposition will not be admitted to the wave pool when killer whales are frolicking about as they will get a terrible fright-especially if the theme music of Jaws is being played over the public address system.

CLP ATTRACTS DEMENTED BIRDS

The Northern Territory is experiencing a plague of randy, short - sighted male emus. Dateless , desperate and myopic, the fleet –footed birds mistakenly see men in suits as desirable members of the opposite feathery sex. As a result, the blurred vision of a man in a suit makes your average red - blooded emu feel twitipated.

This has caused a major problem for the Country Liberal Party whose members get about in zoot suits, even when taking a bath. Little Darwin understands a CLP member with a tattoo of Ossie Ostrich, star of Hey,Hey It’s Saturday !, on his clavicle was chased down Smith Street by an amorous emu. Unfortunately, the near sighted critter , making loud mating calls, was run down by a bus filled by a party of nuns from the Vatican , gold medal winners in tag wrestling at the Arafura Games, who kindly took turns to apply mouth to mouth , making the poor bird feel he was in emu heaven before he had his last kiss. In a positive ending to his sad, celibate life, the emu was plucked , his skin turned into a high fashion garment decorated with barramundi scales and sold as a genuine made in China souvenir of the NT.

And police have urged the CLP to wear g-strings, kaftans or mini-skirts to prevent further traffic accidents . If CLP members insist in wandering at large in a seductive suit, they should carry a shotgun for protection.
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