The Latin proverb ‘Tempus Fugit’
looks and sounds like swearing to me, and I think some sensitive Pro-consul
changed its meaning. Tempus Fugit or ‘Time
Flies’ likely was first coined by Julius Caesar’s troops after they encountered
the fiendish Gallic insects that swarm the fly-blown nether parts of this
otherwise unblighted country.
The French canals are deliberately routed through
such zones; quite an achievement as there are around 7500 kms of navigable
waterways. Clearly the antipathy towards lock keepers began as early as the
sixteen-hundreds and reached its peak during the Napoleonic canal-building
boom. Each lock had a keeper – sometimes several – so ‘punishment by annoying
insects’ became government policy and canals were routed through pestilent
regions.
Now we are in gentler times and the
canal locks are nearly all automated, the government is searching for a way to
discourage the flies, mosquitoes and so on. French domestic insect pests are
classified in two sections: the fliers: mosquitoes (moustiques) and
flies (mouches), and the
crawlers (Les Rampants): ants
(fourmis), cockroaches (cafards), araignees (spiders), and puces (fleas). Experiments in eradication have
been underway for many decades.
SUPER INSECTS
The most recent failed iteration has been
described in my past reports; the insect spray was deemed ‘over-polite’ to the
insects which simply ignored it. However, France is signatory to a UN
Resolution which covers the humane treatment of insects so the new insecticides
reflect French national values.
However, the insects have used the
last few hundred years to evolve their physical and genetic defences. Instinctive
selective breeding has given us a French fly of steely determination and
ruthlessness.
That’s why the new generation of
pest sprays utilise psychological principles of insect consciousness. At the first
pssst! the spray draws the flies’ attention
to a meeting to be held between the human occupiers of an enclosed space and
the flies and mosquitoes which are aggressively colonising it. The insects
gather and wait politely for the Chairperson – you – to address the issues.
This is done by drawing your can of BLAST, SMASH or NUKE from under your apron
and releasing a huge mushroom cloud of French chemicals, including D
tetramethine and hydrocarbures aliphatiques, which are designed to disorient
the insects’ libidos. A microscopic drop of aerosol is enough (the makers
claim) to send any fly into a suicidal frenzy and you can expect your flies to scramble
through the nearest opening and throw themselves under a steamroller.
MUSTARD GAS
Of course when you bought the spray
in the supermarket you knew it wouldn’t work, but you bought it anyway.
Certainly you could have carried a can of MEGA-MAIM all the way from Australia
but you may have been arrested at the airport as a terrorist.
The new psychotic fly-attack
chemicals are still squirted into the air we breathe by the same old lung-melting
aerosol propellant. The font size of the small print on cans of fly spray is
rightly called ‘fly speck’. If you have an electron microscope handy you’ll
read that aerosol spray can cause dementia, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s,
elephantiasis, dropsy and incontinence. The true mustard-gas odour of the spray
is masked by perfumes named limonene, hexyl cinnimal, finafool and geraniol.
Remember the movie ‘The Fly’, in
which actor Jeff Goldberg and a blowfly shared a molecular transmitter and when
re-assembled together became a giant, drooling monster with a fly’s head? Well,
when I look into the bathroom mirror every morning I think I may be suffering
something similar and have decided to draw the line and restrict our use of
spray chemicals to harmless toilet sprays, window cleaner, spray degreasers,
spray paint, aerosol deodorants, spray cooking oil, aerosol cream, hair
fixative, shaving gel, oven cleaner spray, and air freshener. My crew and I
have gone back to square one to find an answer. First, know your enemy.
BEWARE POPPY SEEDS
Flies like to take the high ground.
They shit everywhere. Parts of your ceiling can look like some child has taken
a fine-point marker and made black dots over everything. Disturbingly flies
also like flat surfaces. Kitchen benches are a danger area. Beware the
scattered poppy seeds around your chopping board and coffee cups. A black dot
doth not necessarily a poppy seed make.
Perhaps scientists should have
included a chemical which brings on a fly coup
d’état based on the ‘terror period’ of the Revolution – that would destroy the leadership elite
of the flies. Not only that, flies are not known for their eloquence. You can
rant on as long as you like about Liberte,
Equalite,et Fraternite to a fly but all you get is a blank stare. We don’t
appear to have a chemical which will make flies talk, hence negotiations are
doomed to fail early.
Because innovation has failed us we
have reverted to humble fly paper, not used in Australia for several decades
because now we use violently carcinogenic sprays which do kill flies but also
peel the skin off women, children, pets and endangered species generally.
However, French supermarkets still sell fly paper as a nod to non-toxicity
because it doesn’t require fancy chemicals, nuclear power or smashing fly
corpses into the tablecloth with a fly swatter to work.
Apta-brand French flypaper comes in
a pack of four, each complete with a thumb tack with which you attach the paper
onto your polished Mahogany mantelpiece. Each is the size and shape of a
12-guage shotgun shell. The idea of shooting at flies on the wing appealed to
me until I realised that the size of the lead shot would have to be miniscule
and you’d do more damage to the wallpaper and Lladro figurines than you would
the flies. I estimate one flypaper could capture up to seventy three or four
flies.
Other insect threats like wasps (gueps)
and hornets (frelons) require a
different approach which is described in my autobiography ‘Serpent Repellent
& other Social Aids’. To achieve an acceptable attrition count it’s
probably unnecessary to hang three dozen flypapers at once, and walking from
one side of the room to the other would prove hazardous.
Fly paper also may have been
invented by Julius Caesar’s troops. Reliable legend has it they covered
peasants with a mixture of honey and bat dung to attract flies. Then they threw
the fly-crusted peasants over cliffs. Fly paper consists of an unrolled strip
of sticky paper pinned to the ceiling. The flies confidently land on it, sigh
with satisfaction and settle down to gaze over their conquered territory. Their
compatriots join them.
Flies are suckers for triumphalism. They soon discover
they can’t move their feet. After a while there are a dozen struggling in the
molasses-ey coating, glued onto the paper in distorted
attitudes.* They hang in vertical humiliation from the saloon ceiling like a
hunter’s trophies.
These trophies are not Moose Heads
but Mouches Heads. Best of all you’ll never have to pronounce “one-R
transphenothine” ever again.
*A word of warning: do not
allow your skin, fingers, clothing or any part of your face to come into
contact with the sticky fly paper. It will stick to you like shit to a blanket,
and you don’t want that.
