NAUGHTY CATHETER NURSE TO BECOME A HIT DOWN UNDER

CANBERRA : The Liberal  Funk Bunker is certain to call in the  famous  British naughty catheter  nurse  to whip  the  Coalition   into shape for the looming disastrous election . Fear and  loathing  has  rocketed  as the  Coalition  increasingly  looks like a divided  shambles , the PM and  the  treasurer contradicting each other ,   grand   thought  bubble schemes to  turn Australia  into  a  Banana Republic  floated   daily.

 

PM Turnbull 's latest   announcement  , designed to put a  tiger in the tank of the economy , launched  at the  Panthers  footie club  ,  on examination   seems    destined  to  turn  the nation  into  a replica of  the   Balkans.

Worried  Funk Bunker spinmeister Fritz von Waffleburger  today reluctantly confirmed this  blog's exclusive  leak  that   prominent  UK  politician , Sir Giles Lynchwood , has been contacted  and   asked if  he can arrange for  his friend  the naughty catheter  nurse to pack her leather boots and  horsewhip  and come  Down Under to prevent  a  blot on  the landscape  result  at  the  election.

 Sir Giles  is exceptionally  busy  at the present  moment  using donations from  developers   to build a  series  of  secret nuclear waste  dumps across rural England .  

HELLZAPOPPIN IN TROPICS OR SURTSEY IN DISTANT ICELAND

ABBOTT'S PERSONAL SCRAPBOOK

With the help of Rupert Murdoch, the ABC , photographers and  cartoonists , this is an  exclusive  insight  into  the highlights of  the  former  exciting  life  of  a   deposed   Prime  Minister  who  now spends much  time feeding pigeons in Trafalgar Square , London , discussing national security with  H. G. Nelson  on  his  column .

Shielded by bullet proof  flag waved by Peter Dutton , PM dodges Fairfax jihad.

Instead of going as Bananas in Pyjamas ,  former treasurer Joe  Hockey and  PM strike fear into the ABC and SBS  at  the   Canberra press gang  annual  fancy  dress  ball .

Devilish  cartoonist David Rowe , one of  the  Fairfax  jihadists, exposes the government's security obsession .

Dodging   tampon   terrorists  on  another  bad  Canberra  day .

 

PM  exercising  his  skill  at  policy making .  The same  monster has been  seen  chasing Malcolm Turnbull   at   Coogee where  a  tattooed  human   arm  was  found  in  the  shark  aquarium .    

Unsuspecting Abbott  on  the way to Waterloo  spill

 

Brer Rabbit  in  a  briar  filled  onion  patch 

 

 

On  your  bike  card  from  Amanda  Vanstone



TAMIE FRASER'S GUIDE TO TOWNSVILLE'S SPOTTY TOURIST ATTRACTIONS INCLUDES WARNING FOR SENSITIVE MAIDEN AUNTS

Townsville once had a  fine pedestrian mall in Flinders Street  complete with a   water feature  on  which  were two  different sculptured  figures   of  a  naked,   tubby  musician ,  Benjamin ,  shown   here  tootling   on  a  curved horn .

Despite  his  nakedness,  the  figures   gave  the   city  an  air of  being a  tropical Athens ( one in the eye for snooty Adelaide )   ,  classical  refinement , a  respect for the  finer things of  life, grand old  buildings  from the  early days when  the city was regarded as the Wall Street of the North  adding  to  the image.

Then , in a moment of  tropical madness, it was decided to "revitalize "   the mall , open  it  up  to  cars   to   boost  trade  . The water feature was turned off , demolished  , the  cars that  ate  Paris and beyond  allowed in.   But things  did not work out  the way expected . Shops closed  , McDonalds  caught  fire  . Complaints were made about  the  lack of   parking , some even wanted the  broad   footpaths  cut   back  to  make  more  parking  spaces. Supermarkets  , with  big,  free   parking areas,  drained business away from  the Flinders Street  CBD, as they have in just about every other city in Australia .

But what happened to  those  unique  musicians  who  stood out on the water feature , likened in a great stretch of imagination  to  Rome's famous  Trevi Fountain  into which coinage is  thrown  with  gay abandon  ? Today, when  visiting  maiden  aunts come to Townsville they  narrowly escape being run down by cars  in   Flinders  Street and  are then  confronted and shocked  by   what  seem  to   be   naked   men   lurking    in   the  undergrowth .

My  sainted  aunt !!! What kind of  depraved   place  is  this ? As Tamie Fraser pointed out  in  a  previous  post  about the spotty attractions of Townsville, you just about have  to be  as low as a snake's duodenum   to read  the  low , hard to decipher,   information sign   on  one  interesting  spot along the Flinders Street  Heritage Trail.

In the case of the now almost  hidden, overgrown  resting place  of  Benjamin and his horn , you   have to   get  down on  you  knees , near  a  ubiquitous parking ticket  dispensing machine ,  to  learn that  it  is  a 1981  bronze cast   made  by Townsville sculptor ,  Brian  Engris  , whose   commissioned  works  include  Heavenly Soldier Still Fighting  at the  Australian Defence Forces Academy , Duntroon .  

Compare the dank, grotto  like setting of Benjamin today with  this  sunny spot on the water feature , his horn  clearly visible , looking like a  bronzed Aussie, sporting white bird droppings on body and  musical instrument . Avert  your  eyes as  you  approach , below,  another  Engris sculpture  of  Benjamin   blowing  life into the  CBD  with a conch shell . The setting is  like  a scene from Moses  in   the   Bulrushes which   could  be regarded as  fitting for  someone with the  Biblical  name  of  Benjamin ,  his   two  depictions  close to the holy   temple   known  as   the   Cowboys  Club . 

One of  the dubious attractions   of Flinders Street today  is The Bulletin Square  which  boasts a  giant TV screen catering for  idiot box  addicts .  It is sponsored  by  the  Murdoch  owned  Townsville  Bulletin newspaper .

DAIRY DUST WAFTS OVER TOWNSVILLE WATERFRONT

Adventurous , young , overseas backpackers  on  the ferry  from Magnetic Island  to Townsville  were  looking  about as the vessel neared the  terminal . The nostrils of one  twitched. "Vot  is that ?" he asked . A helpful local  answered  with the information that  it  was  a smelly cattleboat ... tied up at the  nearby  cruise ship berth. 

 

 It was the Galloway Express , above , a distinctive Chinese   built livestock  carrier which strangely looks  like  one  of  those  camouflaged  ships  of  world wars . Like so many other  cattle boats which come and go in Townsville, the vessel appeared  to have   slipped below the  radar  of the  local media . On the other  hand , all   such  vessels trading out of  Darwin  are  noted , including  the  Galloway  Express.

 

Was   that  a  Collins Class  submarine which slipped into port and what vessel collided  with  the  channel  marker off  Magnetic Island , which now has a  bobbing warning  buoy  attached to  it ?

MURDOCH MEDIA LAUNCH SHARK ATTACK ON TURNBULL TERRITORY

Greetings  from  North Queensland -not Magnetic Island.

There are  three subjects  which send  Murdoch  newspapers in North Australia into a white  pointer  shark  like  feeding  frenzy...sharks, crocodiles  and  cyclones. Currently, it is sharks .  In one day ,  March 22, the  same  illustrated story about  sharks caught   in various bays  around Magnetic Island  was  run with  different headings . In the Brisbane Courier  Mail  it was  ISLAND BAY MAGNETIC WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTING SHARKS and  the  Townsville Bulletin went with MAGGIE SHARK CONTROL PROJECT  REELS IN RESULTS .

The following  day, the Townsville  Bulletin  did  a  follow up with a close up of a  large  shark from Jaws central casting , the heading SHARK PARADISE  Danger lurks in the warm waters of Magnetic Island. It came with a regurgitated , inappropriate, stock pic of a smiling reporter.

The same edition ran a  color  display  advertisement   for   Fantasea  cruising to Magnetic Island  25th anniversary  car  ferry  Easter services .  After all  the  publicity  about  sharks , the fast filling spaces  announced in  the ad  may suddenly  be the subject  of  cancellations . It is doubtful if  anybody will put a  toe into  the sea after  all  this shark  coverage .

And Magnetic Island " Toad Master"  , Vern Jack,  who unfortunately had a  leg  amputated  last year, was reported  in the Townsville Bulletin as  offering  to take   Lucy Turnbull , wife of the PM ,  who used to be a director of the Sealink  ferry service to Magnetic Island ,on  a  conducted tour of the  island .   Methinks  that  with her  husband coping with so many sharks  within his  own party , she will be needed by his side, armed with a  Japanese explosive tipped  whaling  harpoon gun,  to  scientifically protect him  over  Easter   and  in  the seething  Sargasso  Sea  election  filled  with  denizens  of  the deep.

Little Darwin Ephemera Photographs .

 

QUEEN THROWS CYCLONIC PARTY

One  of  Australia's  strangest  birthday  parties  took place at the Queen of the Jungle's Magnetic Island  residence , above , which   is  fast becoming  more famous than  the  birdcage  Lord  Snowdon   designed   for  the  London Zoo.  The  party  animal  the  centre of  the   bash  was  none other  than  that   familiar  celebrity  who  grabs  more  publicity  than  Shane Warne  and  late  starter  Madonna  ,  Larry  the  Cussing   Lorikeet.

The  gala  event  marked  his  10th birthday and  the  10th anniversary of  Cyclone Larry,  after  whom  he was named . A  juvenile with  few  feathers, he was   injured   when  severe    Cyclone   Larry  smashed  into  Mission Beach on March 20 , 2006.  Unable  to fly because of his injuries , he was brought up  by  Jenn  and  John Payne, with  him  in  the  above  photograph ,  and   made  many  cruises  with   them ,  leading  the  relaxed , tropical   Jimmy  Buffett lifestyle , slurping  a  Margarita now  and again , posing for photographs , appearing on TV, his   portrait  painted  on  coconuts .

At  the  party , Jenn  Payne , officially named Australia's number one parrot head ,  wore  her  elaborate  Buffett  parrot head  hat , to  which Larry took  a   dislike  and   gave  it   the   biffo treatment- in between sipping champers, honey water,  dragging  a  new purple  teddy bear present  about , whistling , dancing .

 

Other  treats included  a  Danish  cake , German biscuits , apple  slice.

 

Jenn  , seen  wearing her famous  hat, left the next day to  fly to Sydney and become  part of  the crew  bringing a  tug north . Soon after she arrives back , she will  be  off  to Bora  Bora to promote island  art. 

One  of  the  guests , who made a  tasty  cheesecake  for  the party, told an interesting  story about a stuffed 83 year old Cockie  which  now sits on top of a  TV set  in  Melbourne . In its life it had never laid an egg, however the taxidermist  discovered  it  had  been  a  female.

During  the party, some guests  availed  themselves of a shot or two of rum  from a  bottle  bearing  Larry dressed as a  pirate , complete  with sword , on the label , drawn   by   Jenn .

CREME  DE  LARRY :  The day of the party, this blogger was lolling about in the  recliner in shortie pyjamas , watching  the ABC  Insiders, part of  the Sunday ritual , when  the  viewing was  interrupted by  a  telephone call ... from  the Queen of  the Jungle  asking  us  to  buy  some  cream  for  Larry's  frolic.Back to you Barrie.

AUSTRALIAN BRAND OF DEMOCRACY BEACON TO REST OF WORLD SEEKING STABILITY

America  has  a " weird democracy", according to  Christopher Pyne ,Manager of Government  Business , House of  Representatives .

In  yet  another  profound  statement , the Coalition's  most  voluble  talking head , Christopher "The Fixer " Pyne , at long last  has made it clear that  the  Yanks  are  a  weird   mob .   By inference,    we  salt of the earth   Australians   have  a  healthy, sane,   democratic  system ,  the  envy  of   the  rest  of   the  world .

 

 This   thoughtful ,  diplomatic  statement  about  a  great and powerful  ally  by   Pyne  was  made  as  the  Senate  voting   system was being  given the  chop in a  marathon  session  which  ran  for 40 days and  40  nights , during  which  use  was  made of  a noisy  Monty Python fart , a colonoscopy took  place  in   most  unhygienic  surrounds,  Nick  Xenophon   ran about  parliament  in  monkey  pyjamas  and  an  honorary  Wiggle  had  his black skivvy torn off him and  was  debagged  by  an  ALP  posse , causing  many  shocked   kinders who regularly watch parliament   to   wet   their   beds. 


Two  famous Americans from Sesame Street  up  front in  public gallery, House of Representatives, closely  studying dynamic  Australian  democracy  in  action  during  Question Time .They are anxious to meet  this  popular  woman  whose name seems to  be on  every  Coalition  members'   tongue,   Dorothy  Dixer , and somebody else who  sounds like  an Avon Lady ,  Sophie   Ding  Dong . They are keen  to invite the  gals  back  to the  US  Embassy  for a  Cuban night of rum and Coca -Cola

 

Senator  Sam   Dastyari , who imitated a slumbering Irish  backpacker  during the Senate  marathon,  admires  the monkey party   pyjamas  worn by  Mike Bowers  , roaming  photographer   at  large without a  keeper   for  The  Guardian Australia  , on  the  ABC   TV   Insiders ,  Talking  Pictures .

It was further  claimed  in  the extensive, learned  but  rowdy  debate  that the unholy alliance over senate voting  between the  Greens  and  the Coalition  the  Tories  would end up  being  converted  , conservative Tasmanian    Senator Eric Abetz  coming  into  the chamber  wearing a hemp suit, thongs,  singing  Kumbaya . This  hurtful comment   and   frightening  apparition   was    struck   from   Hansard  and    the Tassie   spectre  driven   out  of  the   chamber  by   a passing   exorcist  .

 

Across  several hostile borders , in  balmy  Queensland , where some  Ag Force members and   pot bellied  rednecks , convinced of  their divine  right  to clear fell  the state  and  deny kinky Greenies from hugging  useless trees,  were   threatening  to   bring  down  the   ALP  government, with the help of  a  few pollies who had obviously fallen  out of  trees  onto  their  heads  during   childhood .     
 

In the  Queensland  parliament ,  the high level of debate was  clear yet again when the  former  Attorney-General  in  the  felled  Liberal National Party Campbell Newman  Government ,  now Shadow Police Minister , Jarrod Bleijie  , not thought to be  related  to  chook  feeding Premier Joh  Bjelke-Petersen , wore  an  albino  rat , above , on  his  shoulder. 

BUCKLEE BELL EXCLUSIVE EXHIBITION SNEAK PREVIEW

Inspired by  lucky  Australian  Curlews?

One of our  far  flung readers  is   ethnic arts and antiques  dealer, bead  expert  , activist and  artist ,  Bucklee  Bell , of  Chiang Mai , Thailand, who , like others ,  is  surprised  by the   coverage  given  to  fabulous Australian   Bush Stone  Curlews in  this  blog . One of  America's great   early Underground   Comix  artists,  Bucklee , whose  art  has appeared before  in  Little Darwin , is  preparing  another  exhibition   and  sent   us  an  email   in which  Curlews   are  mentioned  and  included  some  of   his  latest paintings , one seemingly containing  stylised Curlews   and  much , much   more   hidden  within .

On first glance , we thought the painting included the feral cats Little Darwin has been trying to trap  to prevent the demise  of  our  Curlew chicks .And if those  birds are supposed to  represent Curlews , our ones are not  high wire  walkers...the annoying ,  agile  Circus Oz Possums  run along the  wires onto our  roof  and then upset the  birds on  the ground .

 

In his email, Bucklee  said he was looking out the back  window  in the second storey of   his house in  Chiang Mai  , which overlooks a fallow field , when he was surprised to  spot  a  Curlew ! He  continued :

  

"We  got  Curlews too...Of  course,  the reason I never thought about it before is because our Curlews aren't cuddly little people , friendly critters like the Queensland  critters . Of  course, how can I blame them . To the villagers of my village , dread the thought , Curlew   tastes  'aroi' , that means delicious in Thai .  So you can tell all your pet Curlew babies , sit 'em on your knee, how good  they got it Magnetic Island compared  to their cousins up there in Smokey Northern  Thailand ...Yes, they are burning the forests  this time of the year  and no rain for a long time, March-April , not a  good  time  to  be visiting  here . "

Another of  Bucklee's intricate  painting which  will be included in the forthcoming exhibition.

The  Curlews of Magnetic Island are  indeed  lucky, pampered. The  Queen of the Jungle  feeds up to   50  a  day , the  couple  who run  Man Friday Mexican restaurant  on  the  island  have a long history of looking after Curlews , one of which will be the  subject of  a stirring  story in the near  future .  Last  night  Little Darwin had   to increase  the height of the  Berlin Wall on our property as the two chicks had escaped  and were outside, wandering about with their delinquent  parents  on  the dangerous  road .  At least one hernia was  incurred lifting the concrete blocks   during  the  hasty extension which could not be carried out until the Curlews  had  come  home,  like Lassie.  after a  long  and  anxious  wait.

 Chicks, on the right , sizing up Berlin Wall  before making  daring escape under cover of darkness , one far right looking  as though it is  about to take a running  jump  to  freedom . 



RUBBISH WARRIOR SIN BINNED

As  Queenslanders prepares to  vote  in local government  elections , word has  come through  that a former mayoral candidate  in Darwin-"Rubbish Warrior " Trevor Jenkins - has been banned from entering the  Nightcliff  Uniting  Church. Last Sunday , Jenkins , who  is well known  due to his   habit of piling up  rubbish  he finds on  footpaths, disrupted the church  service and  abused   people , resulting in a trespass order  being taken out  against  him. When he contested the  mayoralty  he  received  a  considerable number  of  votes. It is not the  first  time he  has  caused  trouble  in  a  church .

PARLIAMENT HOUSE TO BE CONVERTED INTO UPLIFTING / SHOCK HORROR MOVIE STUDIO

 Glum-faced  Game  of  Musical  Thrones players  make  joint  fractured  flickers  decision-could this  be  the  greatest  election  story  ever  told  in   fantabulous  Godzone  Country ?  

CANBERRA : In a typically brilliant  revenue  raising move , the  Turnbull Government will  rent  out   the  useless  Senate  chamber  as  a film  studio for  production   of  a  series   of   religious  movies  starring  ex pollies off  the Coalition  Ark  who have  not yet been  put down  by  a vet  or  given  a lucrative , overseas   post .
 

The  award  winning  filmmaker behind this exciting venture is Holy Smoke Productions chief producer, Syd  Sanctimonious , famous for  turning water into Grange  and  use  of   the  casting  couch . 

 

In an exclusive interview  with Little Darwin, Sanctimonious  revealed  the films will have  titles which are  variations  of  Biblical  events  and identities and Coalition  slogans . One such title will  be  Climbing  Jacob's  Ladder  to a  Negatively  Geared   Paradise . This  being  an election  year , a  modern version  of The  Promised  Land  , set  in the tax  haven of the Cayman Islands , will  be  a  box  office hit  and  a real  budget wrecker . 


 Who Killed Polly with the Jawbone of an Ass?  ,in the style of an Agatha Christie mystery , will  make scary  viewing . Satan and  the CFMEU  promises to be  a real shocker  as will be  The Curse of the Pharaohs  and  the Ungodly ALP .  Worse than a Frankenstein  movie will  be Antichrist Plot to Devour Mums and  Dads Funds , Bring on the  Seven Year Itch   and  an  Egyptian  Plague .  Phew !!!

 

 Sanctimonous refused to reveal   details of a  puzzling possible  3D movie with the tentative  title  Opus Dei   Backs  Return  of  B.O. Plenty .  The city of churches, Adelaide, could be the  setting  for the messy Good Book epic,  Miracle  of   Feeding   the  Motley  Multitude  With   Pie  Floaters.

TELEVISION STATION SMASH HIT

It is an irrefutable medical fact  that television  can drive  you  bonkers . In  a growing number of  cases   viewers  are  described  as stark raving mad . It is surprising how many  people openly  admit   ranting at  their  TV sets . Just today a well balanced   woman  admitted she  gives her  TV stick   , then launched into an attack on the Federal Government  for greatly  reducing the  staff  at  the  National Library   of Australia   in Canberra ,  where she  makes  use of  the  reading room . 

We  supported her outrage  over  the library as  over the years Little Darwin has  supplied  it  with  a  range of ephemera  and  regards  it  as  one of  the great temples  of Australia , up there with  the  Opera House . 

Recently there has been angry  discussion about the  incredible  amount of  adverts on television . Promoted to the heavens , the two part commercial channel series about  Molly Meldrum , the  ABC  TV Countdown  king in a cowboy hat  ,  contained so many ads in the  first part  that  many  vowed not to watch the second . And  media commentators  have spoken about  the concern in free to air TV stations  about  viewers taking steps to eliminate  adverts   with  modern electronic  gadgets. Where  can  I  get one  ASAP ?

The way  TV stations  flood the  screens with  ads it is a case  almost of   killing the goose  which has  laid   golden eggs for so  long .  A Darwin insomniac  who  sits up watching  the  idiot box  way  past  the  witching hour  says  films  are bloated  with so  many  expletive  advertisements    that   you  lose  the  plot , end up  falling   asleep  and  develop  the   urge to  put your  boot  through the screen - especially during  the Mango Madness  season .

This brings    to mind  an unusual   moment  in  the history  of  Darwin television viewing . Back in the  days when  television was almost  steam driven in Darwin , a gentleman appeared at the  reception   counter  of   the  commercial station  and  asked    questions .  Taken  on  a  tour , he was  shown  the control room . Was  this, he asked, where television  is  sent out  to viewers . On  being informed in the affirmative , he  whipped out a  welder's hammer and began  smashing equipment , putting  the  station  off  air .

As  a result of  this outrageous act , a scurrilous  Darwin rag , Troppo  or Fannie  Bay Whisper (inspired by the notorious Kings Cross Whisper  )   ,  some  months  later   ran  a  story  drawing the attention of  the culprit  that  new  supplies of  hammers  had   just  arrived  in  town.   

MONSOON ARRIVES ON ISLAND

After heavy overnight  rain ,  Gustav Creek  pours into  Magnetic Island  marina , council  having to clear  debris  from  Sooning  Street   drain which caused backup of  water  into nearby school  basketball  court ; the lower part of an area known as the  Pope's Land  was also awash , more rain falling  . 

Gustav Creek  upstream  and , below ,  litter  and reflections   from  an  earlier   monsoon in the Northern  Territory .

Curlews shelter from rain near umbrella on  verandah.

 

MURDOCH TO BUY MAGNAUTIC ISLAND , ITS AWARD WINNING NEWSPAPER FOR BLUSHING BRIDE

HOLLYWOOD : The latest hot gossip here is that romantic media magnate  Rupert Murdoch  plans to buy exotic Magnautic  Island  as  a  special present for his  latest  wife, Jerry Hall .  Isolated  Magnautic  Island  is  actually the  nuclear waste dump  where  hairy  cricketer  Shane  Warne narrowly escaped  being   eaten  alive by  a  giant , mutated cockroach  in   a  Boofhead Productions  TV reality  show  .

Little Darwin   exclusively  broke  the news in  2013 that   Rupert Murdoch  was keen to  buy  the   dynamic  Magnautic  Island  Times   newspaper , which  had only been   going  for a short   time , but  continually scooped the world's leading  news networks .  An example of the  fine journalistic  efforts of the paper is  the typical screaming  headline  below  in  yet another astonishing exclusive  in  the  multi award winning  paper, its  motto  ,  Fair and Befuddled .

Magnautic Island Times

                                         

GRUBZILLA HORROR

ROGUE GRUB RAZES ISLAND

By  Unexplained Phenomena Eyewitness Reporter Peeby Beeply

EDITORIAL by Times editor, Peter Blogugly 

 

If Jules Verne was alive today he’d simply die of déjà vu.  And if he had been an Magnautic Islander instead of a twisted little French fantasist his books would have been less alarmist and more to do with real life.

 

The arrival of ‘Grubzilla’ an apparently apocalyptic Beast, named by Horrie Bicuspid’s 8–year-old adopted grandniece Madonna-Wavelength III,  did lack a quality of shock spectacular better seen in John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) and Zombies vs Cockneys (2011). The original Japanese monster Godzilla (1954) bears no resemblance to Grubzilla (2013) which is NOT a man dressed in a lizard suit. Clearly little Madonna-Wavelength III was talking through her nappy. Your Editor himself saw this denizen of the nether regions, describing it as more like an elephantic penis partially clad in a cheap PVC raincoat. Hardly the type of Satanic “End of Days” entity but more of an overstuffed super-dick.

 

This newspaper asks why Grubzilla has come to our Island when it would be more at home in a pub with the late Russ Hinze or wallowing in Loch Ness. Or does it have a political agenda? Before he was squashed to death on the footpath near the Sealink terminal, local identity Alfie Curmudgeon noted it wore a tag with ‘Simon Peter’ printed on it. Why would it take the Biblical name of one of JC’s disciples? And might it simply be an advertising stunt by the Magnautic Island Citizens’ Council to attract tourists?

 

On reading this  fabulous world scoop , one of many ,  Murdoch declared it was his  kind of   deranged  tabloid  and  he would like to  include it  in  his  media  stable  to replace News of  the World and  eventually  the Sydney Telegraph   . Other excerpts from  the  unique  Grubzilla  report ...

This reporter stood his ground by locking myself in the garden shed and calmly collecting all the insecticides, ant dust, plant spray and 2-4-5-T I could lay my hands on. Before your reporter had time to fearlessly hurl these chemicals at the Grub from Hell it moved on to attack our island’s cultural attractions, a park bench and a snorkel trail, and worse, our beloved statue of Kerry Packer embracing Warwick Fairfax. Nothing less than a cultural Armageddon threatens our citizens...

XXXX .The highly respected British newspaper The Guardian ran a  report  about the Murdoch  honeymooners  walking  about  the  south of France and  said  that  Rupert  appeared  to  be  out  of  breath ...The escaping radon gas of  Magnautic Island would undoubtedly re-invigorate  him .  

CURLEW ABLUTIONS

With  the  Townsville  dam  at  a very low level, Curlews are scrubbing up  before strict level three  water  restrictions are  imposed . Vallis Photographs.

 

 

LATEST COALITION FUNK BUNKER SCOOP ; MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE OF POLITICAL CROCODILE ATTACK

CANBERRA : Just as PM Malcolm Turnbull , centre , in a man on the burning deck  nautical uniform  , was  about to step  out  as the  new strong   leader  at the helm of the nation in  the Coalition Punch and Judy  Show , long distance   trick  cyclist ,Tony Abbott  , addressed  a  crowd  of Liberals at the Balgowlah RSL  who jeered and  indicated they would not mind if  a  smiling  crocodile  took  Turnbull .  No wonder  Malcolm  is so nimble and  agile when  his own  Liberals  and other  rabble  rousers  are  sooling  a shower of   saurians   onto   him . 

 

Still  presenting a  smiling kisser to the world despite all the white-anting  plots ,  this exclusive  photograph  shows  the  besieged, tasty PM  line   dancing with a  crocodile at  a  Liberal Party  fund raising  rally  on  the  North   Shore .

 

At  the original meeting, booing and Bronx cheers were also  heard when  Abbott  urged  everyone to  support the Turnbull Government  at the election , whenever  that might be. He also urged one and all to   make sure  they  attend  the next Sydney Gay  and  Lesbian Mardi Gras .

 

Obviously trying to impress National Party voters  out in the sticks , he  was seen   use a  cattle  prod on  the  crocodile , causing it to rear up in anger ,  whenever  Turnbull  came near ,   kicking  up  his  legs like  a member of  River  Dance .  

COALITION FUNK BUNKER SEEKS GUIDANCE FROM PROMINENT EXPERT : WORLD SCOOP

Top gun  sod  buster Kenny  entering  parliament,  via  tradesmen's entrance , on way to  bunker ,  snapped standing  on  a pile  of   proposed  new  Senate rip  and  use  voting  tickets .

CANBERRA: With excreta seemingly hitting  the   fan  from all  directions each and every day  ,  rattled Coalition   heavies  have called  in  Australia's  famous plumber, Kenny ,  to   help  unblock  the   political  snafus piling up  all  over the nation .

In particular, the true blue brigade  wants to know  if  Kenny, after examining the  entrails,  can predict the election outcome  if  a Number  2  Bill is  rejected by that motley mob  squatting  on  the  redback infested Senate cross bench  and  PM Turnbull  calls a   double  dissolution.

Well  known  rabid  right  wing   political  pundit and  pain in the  butt  ,   Harpic  Harry , so named because  he is clean round the bend ,   is  strongly  urging  Turnbull  to  adopt  the  Northern  Territory News  approach to the  political constipation   and  insert  a  cracker up  the  clacker of  Bill Shorten .

Already there has been  a rattling  chain of events which indicates  the  PM intends  to light the  election  fuse  in the near future .  On the other  hand,  with   all the  crap going on  in the Liberal Party , especially in NSW , where  vicious  factional   infighting    and  preselection   vote   manipulation has revealed  dem   Libs are anti-democratic and acting  like  the ruling  Chinese  communist party regime,  this could  could  see  the  party  mauled  by  voters, so sit in as long as possible.

 

Examples: Three   members  who   publicly voiced  their  concerns received official letters  flushing   them out of  the    party . Even prominent  conservative Professor David Flint  has  a  gripe about  the   gripe  within  the  Liberal Party. As he is a Monarchist to his bootstraps , it is   fair  to say the Queen of Australia , Lizzie Two Stroke , like  Queen Victoria , is not amused by the ruling  class  shenanigans  in  this  part  of  the  empire .


Genial   Dick Smith , indicated  he is so  appalled  at what is going on he might   stand against  Bronwyn  Bishop if  she insists on standing for preselection and  the   factional  warlords  put  her back on the launching pad .

But  the  best  explanation of  the effluvium within the Liberals  has  been supplied   by   irrepressible , straight  shooting  NSW  Senator Bill Heffernan whose  outbursts  are  like  a strawberry  flavoured  enema  on  the  body  politic:

 

Now, out of left  field , New England  actually,  independent Tony Windsor, derided in the  front page article  of a paper  which gives many reasonable Australians the shits ,  has announced he is going to give the  Deputy PM , Barnaby  Joyce , who only  recently  ascended  to  the rustic, whittled  National  Party   throne , a  champion greyhound run for his money ; Barnaby has   increasingly   looked   like  a  deputy sheriff's  sad  faced  bloodhound  about  to  be wormed  ever  since ... today announcing he  is  the  underdog  in  the  election. Woof ! Woof ! to you , Johnny Depp  and  Tony Windsor .

 

And  former  Victorian Liberal premier Jeff Kennett  has  thrown ordure on the  threat of  a double dissolution by  rightly saying it is hiding  the fact that the Coalition has no  policies .  Even Michael Kroger , another Liberal  Compost State  power broker,  is talking about  doing preference  deals  with  the  Greens, even saying they are not nutters !!!  This , naturally , caused  shock , fear and loathing in the Canberra Funk Bunker as the Coalition , supported by ferret headed  right wing media hacks ,  has showered the Greens with  derogatory labels  for  decades.  Yet  another  indication  of  the  spread  of Montezuma's  curse  in   Tory  tubes.

 

 In an exclusive interview  with Kenny during  smoko  , consisting of finger food and a bottle of Grange, in  the  parliament  house banqueting hall, he told our political reporter , Argus Tuft , there are so many blockages in  the place , he feared  there  could  be  an  eruption like  that  of  Krakatoa  in 1883.

 

Can  Kenny , up to his chin in muck  and fearful of somebody slamming the door  ,  solve  the   problem , flush  the warlords out of the system and receive special  penalty rates for  working weekends ? For   answers  to these important  questions and  more , spend  a   penny  for  a good cause ,  donate    to  our Xmas party fund ,  and  be  posted  the   latest  Canberra  splash  pattern  on  Lady Scott  tissues.   

NOW  FOR  SOME  LIGHT  RELIEF

Brilliant Australian Financial Review cartoonist   David Rowe's  guide to the intricate S-bend workings  of  the Liberal  Party   is  helping  fearless  Kenny   dive  into and navigate through  the  murky waters  filled  with  corrosive  Coalition   coagulates  and  dumped   Codling  Moth  riddled  Tasmania  apples .