WHEELS FALLING OFF AMERICA

The recession is so bad in America , economists predict that bicycles will soon replace cars as the main means of transport in the country. Already millions of Americans have sold their cars and taken to the road on made in China bicycles.

In this way America is starting to resemble China during Chairman Mao’s days when the main source of transport was the ubiquitous bike. Little Darwin can reveal that President Obama will be driven about in an armour –plated executive tricycle followed by security men on skateboards and scooters .

Instead of wearing fake expensive designer labels clothes, most Americans now wear black Chinese coolie suits as they pedal along, swearing in mandarin at the Dukes of Hazzard hoons who refuse to part with their gas guzzlers. In another telling move, the old tune about loving my bicycle has shot to the top of the pops five weeks in a row.

The New York Stock Exchange is in the process of being converted into an instant flat tyre repair workshop where customers receive unlimited hot air and axle grease courtesy of the free –wheeling finance industry. And early this morning CNN reported that Michael Jackson was seen sharing a bicycle built for two with a monkey. Naturally, the intelligent chimp was doing the steering while Jackson was licking a Middle East ice cream and looking for his other glove.

SOUR GRAPES OUST MISS NT LEMON

Stories posted on the Little Darwin blog are often cryptic ones containing hidden inside information from various corridors of power. For example, our exclusive story about Federal Shadow Treasurer , Julie Bishop , being voted Miss NT Lemon Squash by the Humpty Doo Lemon Growers’ Association carried the secret message that she is about to be tossed on Canberra’s fruity compost heap .

No sooner had we posted our exclusive story than the Weekend Australian revealed the Bishop is about to be defrocked, figuratively speaking , because her colleagues have gone sour on her performance , both in the House of Reps and on the celebrity dance floor. Her failure to scrape the zest from Federal Treasurer, Wayne Swan , in the steamy parliamentary kitchen has upset true blue Libs. Her male buddies, feeling the sap rising because of the approach of Spring , want to squeeze her out – hence our brilliant cryptic lemon scoop.

Little Darwin understands Ms Bishop will be given a new, highly regarded job : polishing the prized thistle of the late Liberal Party’s founder, Sir Robert Menzies. In this capacity she may also be responsible for barnacle control in the Cinque Ports, using lemon- charged detergent to make sure all yachts have a smooth bottom like Dame Patti - Australia’s early America’s Cup entrant.

There is no truth in the wild rumour that Ms Bishop and former Federal Treasurer, Peter Costello, both legal eagles, have been asked by an anonymous West Australian businessman to back a venture selling law diplomas through the mail to students in Nigeria.

SHE'S A JOLLY GOOD SUCKER

The annual general meeting of the Humpty Doo Lemon Growers’ Association last night voted Federal Shadow Treasurer Julie Bishop its pin up girl. This is because she often looks as if she has just sucked a lemon as she spits pips over the Rudd government.

Her homely expression will be used to promote increased lemon sucking among right wing conservatives . The lemon growers identified Ms Bishop as a market booster when they saw her dance the Lemon Meringue Samba on TV.

Little Darwin understands former Federal Treasurer , Peter Costello, may also be appointed a wandering ambassador for Top End lemon growers. He has that natural look of a regular lemon sucker.

Prominent lemon grower, Syd Canker, says the citrus fruit needs a new sexy image to combat competition from soursops. It is not know when Ms Bishop will be able to fly to Darwin to receive her Miss Lemon Squash sash . Right now she is having a tough time getting a word in sideways about matters financial because the Coalition’s top banana , Malcolm Turnbull, gives the government a fruity fiscal serve each time he sees an over –ripe bunch of nutty Canberra journalists .

CHEF RAMSAY MEETS AUSSIE DISH

Believe it or not, Chef Ramsay is speechless . Readers will recall he was rushed to Iraq to prevent mutiny among Australian troops , many from Darwin, over their rations. Well, he was whipping up a fabulous batch of new tucker in the Baghdad Green Zone kitchen when it was peppered by a mortar barrage.

His surprise meal of shepherd’s pie , topped with 100 year old lamingtons, served on Dame Nellie Melba’s fan , with a drizzle of Pennsoil and a handful of monkey nuts , sustained a direct hit. A solid silver platter souvenired from Saddam Hussein’s palace hit Chef Ramsay on the head and knocked him out . Dug out from the rubble , a tin of unopened artichokes imbedded in his skull , Chef Ramsay was rushed to a hospital manned by Australian Army nurses .

After a three –day coma , he came to and found his hand held by a charming nurse in a tutu , Corporal Bruce Clinger , from Robertson Barracks . Ramsay’s eyes popped , he uttered something like ,“I’ll be !@*!!!!!” and lapsed back into a coma . He has recovered , but refuses to open his eyes and has not uttered another word. If he remains speechless for much longer his fabulous television career will be ruined, unless he can use finger gestures and body movements to leave no doubt what he means .

SACKED ROBOTS FOR DARWIN HOSPITAL

As part of the 2030 vision for the NT , redundant American car industry robots will be installed in the new Palmerston Hospital which will rival Dubai’s fabulous man –made luxury island estate Palm Jumeirah .

Instead of welding car body components together , the downsized , rusty robots will carry out rapid cosmetic surgery operations to turn Darwin into a city of beautiful people with a new car warranty on their battered organs. All females will be given a nip and tuck and converted into Nicole Kidman look alikes , according to exclusive information supplied to Little Darwin medical roundsman, Dr Bob Bandaid .

Dr Bandaid , addicted to hot chocolate , says the task will be difficult for the robot surgeons when it comes to converting Territory males into handsome snags as so many have heads like warthogs and bodies like ruptured bean bags.

The robots will automatically give each patient a free grease and oil change and tighten up their gudgeon pins, the latter tending to go sloppy and rusty in the Territory’s fabulous lifestyle. Fine tuning will have to be carried out on the mechanical robots before they are allowed to touch delicate dipsticks. Rapid robotic arm actions could also prove messy when it comes to handling bedpans.

Robots can be programmed to work twice as long without a break as your average bug-eyed hospital intern. The use of rejected auto robots will greatly reduce the bill for surgeons . However , the already over-worked nurses will develop bags under their eyes, droopy bosoms , flat feet, varicose veins and rapidly spreading waistlines.

Patients being operated on by a robotic medico will have the choice of selecting one which used to make Cadillacs, Hummers , Chevs or stretch limos before they were sacked and told to hit the road. Dr Bandaid says introduction of the robots into the Territory is in the capable- but dangerous- hands of Health Department mugwump , Edward Scissorfingers, just back from a study tour of a third world scrapheap , Detroit.

KATHERINE NEWSFLASH

According to a Katherine correspondent , a RAAF fighter jet hit a wallaby at the Tindal base yesterday. The wallaby was killed and the jet apparently did not suffer any major damage . It is expected the accident will speed up construction of a wallaby fence at the base to enable regular aerial medical flights to resume .

ANOTHER HOSPITAL PUZZLE

Question: What happened to the report on asbestos in Royal Darwin Hospital? Are patients at risk ? It would be nice to know what is in the report. Anybody seen a copy of the document ? We at Little Darwin are receptive to things which fall from the back of trucks. The hospital was never designed for Darwin conditions, it being a copy of one in the ACT, unpopular with indigenous patients right from the start.

Why can’t Australia design hospitals to fit Australian regional conditions and requirements? A recently built Queensland public hospital was copied from a Canadian design. While this hospital did not buckle under snowstorms and attacks from marauding polar bears, it had some problems: water flooded into operating theatres, staff repeatedly pointed out the poor workmanship in respect of the painting , laying of floor coverings and what looked like salt damp . Push out windows along connecting walkways between buildings were so low children were likely to take a header and had to be sealed .

In the bathrooms , water from droopy shower heads ran out under the door . Lights often went on the blink in the bathrooms and took a long time to be fixed. Entering pitch black bathrooms can be dangerous for patients unsteady on their pins and visually impaired.